Music is probably one of the most subjective topics we encounter in our everyday lives. So many judgments are made based on people’s musical tastes. Talk to someone long enough and the discussion will inevitably turn to who is on their playlist. As much as I try to avoid it, subconsciously I will judge someone based on their musical tastes. It sucks but I can’t help it. I’ll admit that I’m much better than I used to be. I really don’t hate on bands anymore for their career choices. I’m through disliking a band simply because they have some airplay. It’s a waste of time. Still, little bits of my music snobbery stick around. For example, someone who claims Dave Matthews Band as their favorite band is probably going to have to work a little harder to show me they aren’t a complete tool/deaf. Is it harsh? Yeah it probably is. However, I don’t think I’ve ever *really* gotten along with someone who loved DMB so I’m bumping it up from scientific theory to scientific fact for the time being.

If someone asks me what my favorite albums are I hesitate for a minute. I’ve got a lot of albums I love and think are great and play all the time. However, my favorite albums go way beyond musical merit. The albums I consider at the top of my list have emotional meaning to me. These select few make me think of times in my life where that record made a tangible impact on my situation. At this point anyone reading this is probably thinking, “Um, yeah no shit music is emotional. Is this supposed to be a revelation? What’s your point?” Well in a roundabout way my point is that Mogwai’s “Come On Die Young” is hands down my favorite album.

I’m not going to claim that it’s the best record ever made or that belongs on the same shelf as masterpieces of music like “The White Album” or “Bat Out of Hell I”¹. Honestly, most people would say that it’s not even Mogwai’s best album and that “Young Team” is superior. (I could write a whole other piece building my case for “CODY” being the better album but that’s neither here nor there.) Regardless of what anyone says, this album means as much to me as any music I’ve ever heard.

I first heard this album my senior year of college, a little under a year after it had been released. Honestly, it was a pretty shitty year of my life. I had a sick relative nearly out of time, a 4-year relationship about to end, and an art school career that had been mediocre at best to this point. In that context, it’s pretty clear what this album hit me so hard initially. There’s next to nothing on this album that at first glance that would be considered upbeat (save the song “Christmas Steps”, which is going to get its own paragraph later). It’s a sparse, open album that sounds like it was recorded in the middle of nowhere. The only song with lyrics on this entire album, “Cody”, epitomizes a feeling of loneliness.

One memory of this album sticks way out from this time. I had to go to Kansas City over my winter break to do some research for my senior degree project and I brought only this Mogwai album to listen to. I borrowed a friend’s copy and recorded it to a cassette and played it non-stop. I clearly remember listening to “Helps Both Ways” lying alone in this hotel bed knowing that when I get back home everything is going to be fucked. It wasn’t a good feeling but somehow this song made it better. Maybe it was the fact that it was 1999 and I was still listening to cassettes for some reason.

What’s weird is that as I’ve gotten older and gotten my shit together, the feelings attached to this album have grown too. Admittedly I didn’t listen to it for a while after that senior year. Maybe I had played it out or maybe I was subconsciously avoiding anything from that era. I decided to break it out a few days before I went to see Mogwai live with my new girlfriend (now my wife). I was sort of surprised to see that everything about the album had changed for me. Instead of invoking feelings of sadness, it now seemed like it was all about being content. Maybe this album is one of those rare ones that enhances whatever mood you’re currently in². I distinctly remember listening to it later on a warm Sunday afternoon. My wife and I were both quietly doing our own thing around the house but when it was over, she came in and said “That was the perfect album for today.” It was probably right around there that it got “favorite album” status from me. No other album has played a part in so many different eras of my life, good or bad, than this one has. (By the way, the show was awesome. I consider it the best show I’ve ever seen.)

Now, about the song Christmas Steps. It kicks a shitload of ass. Sorry to put it in such blunt terms, but those are the facts. I feel like it condenses down the entire feel of the album into one long song. It starts out almost silently as the feedback that ends “Chocky” cuts out suddenly and a barely audible guitar plays the opening riff. Slowly the song builds around this initial guitar, which is eventually joined by a second as the band gradually increases their volume. Around a minute and thirty, the bass comes in and mimics the initial guitar, building upon it and adding to the tension. Shortly after the 3 minute mark, everything but the first guitar cuts out, except it’s a little more insistent and choppy this time. They are setting you up. The bass comes back ominously, this time front and center, as the band picks up and starts gaining momentum. They keep churning forward until exploding for three plus minutes, before retreating back towards the song’s quiet beginnings. Yeah, I romanticize this song a bit, but I do it unapologetically. Like I said, it kicks a shitload of ass.

I think the ability to run on and on about an album like this is what defines a favorite. While it may not change music or anything it’s important to your life and your history. It’s part of what makes talking music with people so interesting. Unless your favorite album is “Busted Stuff”…

<sup>1. I’m kidding. This is the worst fucking album ever. I will not argue about this. It sucks.
2. Except if you’re in the mood to party. It won’t help you there. Put on some Les Savy Fav or something.</sup>

Clubhouse Games is a collection of 42 different games of various genres. Each game falls into different categories: the majority of these are card games, but there also board games, action games, and variety games.

When you first start playing, it’s likely you won’t be familiar with a lot of these games since many of them go by different names; probably to avoid infringing on certain copyrights. For example, “Grid Attack” is near identical to the popular Milton Bradley game “Battleship”, the difference being you have generic rectangles instead of boats. Other games have odd names for seemingly no reason, such as “I Doubt It”, which is essentially “Cheat”, a game where you play cards in numerical order and cheat if you must. If you’re not familiar with a game, it can usually be easily identified by reading the rules. Some games have very simple rules, such as “Old Maid” or “Memory”, while others are downright confusing, like “Koi-Koi” or “Field Tactics”. Thankfully, every game has detailed instructions included that can be accessed at any time by simply hitting the “Rules” button at the bottom corner of the screen. This is a sorely need inclusion for some of the trickier games.

The entire game uses the stylus exclusively, and I firmly believe that some of these games were worked on more than others. Some games are easy to play and are quite enjoyable while others are frustratingly hard; not because of the rules of the game, but because of the way they are played using the DS’s controls. One such game is “Bowling”, where you throw the ball by drawing a line on the bottom screen in the direction of the pins. This doesn’t sound too difficult, but the DS is so sensitive that the slightest curve in your line will send the ball flying into the gutter. “Darts” is another game included and it’s controlled exactly like Bowling is, by drawing a line in the direction of the dartboard. Yet somehow, Darts plays beautifully where the darts actually go in the direction you are aiming. It baffles me how some of these games are so finely tuned while others are… well, not.

There are three different single-player modes: Free Play, where you play for fun or just to practice, Stamp mode, where you play through each game one by one in a set order, and Mission mode, where you must play under specific rules and clear some rather difficult objectives. All three modes offer unlockable bonuses for playing them. If you win any game in Free Play enough times, you are rewarded with a theme that alters the game’s appearance, and each game has at least four different themes. There are a few games in Free Mode that are locked and playing through Stamp mode will allow you to unlock them. Mission mode challenges you to beat certain games under specific rules, for example, winning a game within a time limit or scoring a certain amount of points. Most of these are extremely difficult and require you to learn each of the games’ rules and play employing certain strategies. Each mission you clear unlocks an icon, which is used as your avatar when playing. These range from animals, food, vehicles, faces and other things. The vast number of unlockable secrets should keep you playing for quite a long time; try clearing Stamp mode on every difficulty or winning all of the game’s missions.

Because of the sheer number of games included, it’s hard to get bored of this game, but the real fun is to be had playing with others. Out of the 42 games included, 39 can be played with friends (the other three games being “Solitaire”, “Mahjong” and “Escape”, which are strictly single-player affairs.) The number of players varies depending on the game you choose, but it ranges from 2 to 8 players. You have two choices for multiplayer: you can play in the local area in which you only need one game card, or you can play over the internet using the Nintendo Wi-Fi connection. If you play over Wi-Fi, you’ll need to exchange your Friend Code if you want to play with some buddies, though you can also search for an opponent from anywhere in the world in case you have no one to play with. The game also has a built-in leader board in case you want to see how you match up with the rest of the planet. In the event your opponent(s) disconnect before the end of the game, you can finish up with the computer playing in their place. As great as the Wi-Fi mode is, it’s a lot more enjoyable to play with your friends. Playing with friends, either locally or over Wi-Fi, allows you to use the game’s built-in PictoChat feature, which for some odd reason wasn’t included for the Worldwide mode. Maybe Nintendo didn’t want strangers sending you offensive messages or drawings of wangs? At any time during your game, you can open up the chat window and send messages to your friends. It’s something to do between turns, but it can be an annoying distraction sometimes when you’re waiting for your friend to finish doodling so you can continue playing.

The game’s presentation is pretty minimal, but it gets the job done considering the type of game this is. The generic tables and game boards are simple, but it’s not a big deal when you’re trying to focus on the game at hand. The sound is likely this game’s lowest point. The sound effects are pretty dull and the music is repetitive. The audio doesn’t really add to the experience and so you may as well play with the sound off. You won’t be missing much there.

If you’re into card games and board games, this game has a lot to offer. It’s fun to play with friends, and even on your own there is fun to be had, but this game is definitely not for everyone. You won’t like every game on it, but there are a few really great ones in there that I feel make this game worth the purchase.

I am nuts about Phlogiston. He’s got some of the richest textures and melodies of any chiptune artist.

In his new release, Croqel, the focus is on melody and the richness of the NES. These days, it’s easy to make a song that sounds like it’s from an NES. But there are so many NES games that use fairly unique sounds considering they all use the same sound processor. Phlogiston seems to embrace the variety of possibilities that can be born from the 2a03. Through this, we are presented with detail-laden melodies and a cornucopia of sound effects. The effects are what really make the songs full of emotion and create an almost vocal feeling.

It should be noted that the longest song on Croqel is 2:22, and that is nearly a minute longer than the next longest. Most of the songs are under a minute and really have no complex arrangements, just like if this were a real NES game.

Making a short album like this is a pretty big risk. You have to be good at making worthwhile melodies if you are going to ditch complex arrangements. Lucking Phlogiston nails it. As a bonus, artwork for each track is included.

Architecture in Helsinki’s 2005 release “In Case We Die” is a fantastic album. Its pop hooks and doo-wop vocals were spot on and it ended up being a perfect warm weather album. It’s also been enjoying a bit of a resurgence since my daughter was born, as it’s one of the more “kid friendly” albums on my iPod. Actually I think it was the first album I played for her besides King Diamonds’ “Them”. Desperate for an album to close out the summer, I checked out the video for the first single “Heart It Races” a few weeks ago and I came away disappointed. The whole video had this generic “world music” vibe that just rubbed me the wrong way. It looked like a film project I was forced to sit through my freshman year of art school and I was fully expecting “Places Like This” to be a terrible record.

Thankfully it was just the video that sucked.

While this album is not as good as “In Case We Die”, it’s definitely not as bad as that video. Not surprisingly, when you subtract the band members dancing around in day-glo paint, “Heart It Races” is a pretty good song. It’s got steel drums which, when done well, I very rarely say no to. The tribal sound of “Heart It Races” only lasts one song, then they change gears with the raucous “Hold Music”. The song has the same sort of intensity “It’s 5!” had off their first album and is one of the standout songs. Unfortunately this very solid track also highlights one of the record’s shortcomings: Cameron Bird’s vocals. At his best he does a pretty good Issac Brock impression (”Lazy (Lazy)” for example). At his worst he sounds completely overextended. “Hold Music” illustrates both extremes. Most of the song sounds great except for the 20 seconds or so when he flips out and sings like Animal from the Muppet Show. That’s not really a plus. The break down that immediately follows saves the day, but songs like “Debbie” have no such luck and he ends up bringing down otherwise tight songs. It sounds like he’s trying to make his voice a little rougher and I don’t think it’s entirely successful. It’s unfortunately because when he nails it, like on the closer “The Same Old Innocence”, it is spot on. He sounds bold rather than manic as he barks out the lyrics over a beat that pulses along nicely. Hearing everything click on this song makes the rest of his inconsistency especially frustrating. I understand the need to push your vocal sound but there’s definitely something to be said for moderation.

In the wrong hands this misstep could kill an album. However, the songs are so dense and diverse that they pick up the slack as best they can. “In Case We Die” stayed relatively close to an “indie pop” sound throughout, while this album touches on a number of different genres. It says a lot for their talent when they go from hip-hop (”Feather in a Baseball Cap”) to the Caribbean (”Heart It Races”) to pop (”Nothing’s Wrong”) without sounding like a completely different band. Admittedly there are a couple of throw-away songs. “Underwater” is boring and pretty much goes nowhere, while “Like it Or Not” is a little too peppy for my tastes. Still there’s enough here that these songs don’t bog down the album too much.

Overall, “Places Like This” is a good, but flawed album. It’s not on par with “In Case We Die” but then again I probably would have been just as disappointed if they put out the same album twice. It’s good to see them trying new things and progressing, even if they aren’t all winners. I may not have the summer album I was expecting but at least I have another album my daughter can enjoy. She’s just not really taking to Big Black like I’d hoped…

How have so many people gotten accustomed to drinking the shit that some clueless bartender claims is a margarita? I hadn’t had a good margarita in years, till i went with my girlfriend to some hole in the wall Mexican restaurant a couple weeks ago. And it was quite blissful, like most perfect things that you remember that you were not expecting. This what is what this recipe hopes to be for anyone looking for something different, and definitely better. But first, we need to clear up a few misconceptions about what a margarita SHOULD and SHOULD NOT be.

First of all, margarita mix can kiss my ASS, as well as those who use it. Why is it used 99% of the time at bars?….because its quick and easy. Its also ridiculously cheap, since all they use is shitty tequila not even fit for cleaning car parts. Second, margaritas are not supposed to be sweet, only what the Grand Mariner gives it. Yes there are dozens of foo foo fruit flavored variations all over the place, and i can honestly say, without doubting my own manliness, that i enjoy one from time to time. But those are “Margaritas”, the way same as Sherv’s Carmel Apple Martini recipe is a “Martini”; i.e. not a traditional execution, but a variation. Three, the “Perfect” margarita is not blended. We’ll leave that up to 7/11 and their slurpee machines to run with that. Four, there’s no reason why a margarita should be a toxic sludge green color; just look at the ingredients. Depending on whether you use Tequila “Blanco” or “Anejo”, your perfect margarita could be a translucent light LIGHT green, to a light greenish brown.

With these points clarified, we can move on to the execution of said “Perfect” margarita. All these measurements are for 1 delectably sublime concoction :

Tools:

• 1 Shaker
• 1 Shot glass(for measuring)
• 1 kosher salt(sprinkled on a plate)
• 1 Margarita Glass(i use martini glasses; thats all i have)
• 1 bag of ice(store bought; yes i know your fridge makes ice too…)

Liquor:

• 1 shot Tequila(the good shit; i recommend Herradura)
• 1 shot Grand Marnier(i hear you can substitute with Cointreau)
• 2 shots Lime Juice(FRESH SQUEEZED peoples, none of this little lemon shaped squeeze bottle shit)

It helps to prepare some things before hand. Squeeze your lime juice all at once, maybe a cup or two depending on whether you’re entertaining guest, or just a lush like me. For the salt on the rim, use a rind from a squeezed lime, and rub it along the edge of the glass, then dredge it around the plate with kosher salt.

Now for the preparation of the drink. Fill the shaker about half way with ice; less than that if the shaker is large. Measure out your liquids and pour them into the shaker. Put the lid on, and shake vigorously till your hands are numb, or 5-10 secs for you pansies out there. Pour, serve, and drink…….in that order. Thats it!

The water melted from the store bought ice deludes the lime juice and liquor enough to make this quite refreshing, and since it is purified, your “Perfect” margarita wont taste like you made it with pool water.

Let me know the verdict people!

Cheers!!

I suppose it’s not a surprise to see a game with the Final Fantasy name slapped on it featuring chocobos to get its fair share of groans. Chocobo’s starring games usually are dull dungeon crawlers, or middling cart racers, so it’s understandable to see a new chocobo mini game/card battle game and not be too excited.

However, this game may have a bit of an advantage over the past chocobo series games. For one, the game looks rock solid and controls very nicely. Secondly, they remembered to make the game fun. I know, you would think every game would remember to include this ingredient, but believe it or not, it sometimes gets left out. It is a bit of a hodgepodge of genres smashed together (a traditional Final Fantasy-ish town overworld area to explore, moderately deep and involved mini-games with multiple achievements, quick and dirty microgames, and a simple but addictive card collecting and battle game), but it all segues nicely into each part.

Perhaps the game’s most striking feature is its graphical beauty, which uses what looks to be a variation of the Final Fantasy III engine to produce some beautiful (and a bit cutesy) 3D modeled characters and environments. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say it even look better than FFIII at points, as the character models look much more solid and don’t have that occasional rough early 3D look to them like parts of FFIII did. This of course is just for the overworld. However, the graphical style is a little different when you enter mini-games, which are found in storybooks throughout the game. Upon entering these mini-game books, the graphical style because a bit like faux 2D construction paper/pop up book, which is a neat change of pace and lends itself well to the whole feel of the storybooks. While the stories told in the books are basically ripped verbatim from various old fables with Final Fantasy mascots slapped into them, they are enjoyable and not just a hindrance in the way of playing the mini-games. Some of the stories have some pretty stupid endings, but they are good enough for what they are.

The mini-games (and in fact, nearly the entire game) pretty much exclusively use the stylus to play. This is the part of the game that is make or break, as a mini-game collection with bad mini-games is pretty much a failure. Luckily, most of these games are pretty fun. The stylus control in some of them is a little suspect, but for the most part they do control very well and responsively. There are various tasks you need to complete in each book in order to finish it, most of them being pretty easy, but the last few always being a bit of a challenge. As you complete achievements, you unlock missing chocobo friends (as they are locked in the books as part of the storyline), new cards for duels, new areas, and even new microgames. These mini-games are perfect for short play and ideally suited for a portable game. Not a ton of depth, but just enough to keep you coming back. And while there are a few annoying ones (the Leviathan ones come to mind), they are all pretty fun and challenging.

Then there are the microgames, which range from ridiculously simple and quick, to ungodly difficult and frustrating. There aren’t too many in between. The game is either so simple a child could ace it, or so difficult that you need the fastest reflexes known to man to properly finish the game. Since I am a slow person when it comes to speed and reflexes, these were particularly hard for me. Additionally, since each game rewards you with a sweet card for getting a Gold in it, I ended up missing some nice cards by saving myself the frustration of losing a 20 second game over and over again for hours.

Then there’s the card battling, which you would think at this point is a total afterthought, and maybe it was, who knows. It’s not quite deep enough to hold it’s own as it’s own game, but it’s a good addition to this game in it’s own right. Each duel is set up like a Final Fantasy battle, except that you have a deck of cards with 3 randomly drawn cards you can fight with instead of commands. The cards have different colors that indicate their strengths and weaknesses, and additionally, some cards are offense cards, while others are pure defense. The cards you collect all have the names and portraits of Final Fantasy summons and characters, and when you use them in battle, a 3D representation of the card will come out and attack the enemy. The visual representation of the dueling as a 3D Final Fantasy battle is a nice touch and adds some flavor to what could have been a drab, text based affair.

There are some small issues with the card battling. While it’s very fun, a lot of it seems based entirely on luck. It’s very hard to guess what the enemy has and what it will possibly attack with, so many times, you go into a battle completely guessing and hoping you picked a good deck. Some battles can get drawn out forever if you both have a large amount of defensive cards. Additionally, card maintenance is kind of a pain in the ass. You can make a half dozen decks, but you really dont know what you are ever going to face or why you would need that many, and since you are getting new cards all the time, you must constantly revise the decks in order to stay competitive. I think it could have been streamlined quite a bit more. Regardless, it’s a nice little extra to separate it from other mini-game collections, and ends up being a fun part of the game as well.

The game has lots of references to the Final Fantasy universe, from recurring characters and vehicles to the music itself. The music is a mashup of various Final Fantasy games, and it is neat to catch all the references to classic games through the course of playing the mini-games or entering new areas. The game is also paced very well and opens up just enough at any given time to give you various objectives to complete and new areas to explore without making you feel stuck on one particular game you might not like. Finally, what I really liked about this game was that it has vague elements of an RPG without actually being one. I wanted something lighthearted and fun that was easy to pick up and play but had a bit of depth, and that fits this game to a T. Additionally, it also has a bevy of multiplayer features if you want to challenge friends to the minigames or card duels. Good stuff.

I have to say that I was pleasantly surprised by this game, and it may be one of my favorites so far this year. If you are looking for a fun, polished game that will provide you with a solid 20 hours of pick up and play fun, I would recommend picking this one up.

To honor our friend Brian Hohman, whose custom shots have given us nothing but joy and heartburn, Jeremy Stoltzfus and I decided to create a shot to attempt to strike fear into his heart. With nothing formally thought out except a name that combined clowns and masturbation, something he would undoubtedly not approve of (and one he has deep seeded hatred/fear of…maybe you can guess which one), we attempted to create a true monster.

Having no idea where to even start, we decided arbitrarily that Firewater needed to be part of it. This being, of course, 100 proof cinnamon schnapps. “But what would go with that?”, we thought. After looking over vodkas, the Absolut Peppar was the clear choice. An 80 proof vodka that mixes roasted jalapenos, green tomato and dried herbs, we saw this was turning out to be quite the spicy treat. Then we needed the final kicker: Bacardi 151. With all these ingredients, the final addition was just a small bit of Bailey’s, a jizzling, if you will, for effect.

Jeremy and I rushed out and bought the ingredients. Then we made the first batch. 1/5 151, 2/5 Absolut Peppar, and 2/5 Firewater. We mixed and poured, then added the small bit of Bailey’s. The light pink/red mixture turned slightly opaque, slightly resembling some bloody spunk. Bloody clown spunk, if you will (which has come to be an alternate name for the drink since inception).

As for the taste? Considering the powerhouse high concentrations of alcohol here, its actually…not…terrible. The taste isn’t gag inducing, and actually comes off just as a spicy shot with a little kick. The one true problem? The taste stays in your mouth forever. Try as you might, you’ll be tasting this one for at least a few minutes afterward.

However, considering how we had no idea what to make to start with, and its not completely awful, I deem this shot a success. Especially after the first night we made it. I blacked out halfway through the night and woke up sleeping on another man’s feet. Mission accomplished!

And Hohman? Apparently he liked it. Oh well.

It’s no secret that I’ve become a rather large fan of Modest Mouse over the past 2 years. With that in mind, it is wise to note that this is essentially a side project of lead singer Isaac Brock, and while the music doesn’t quite mesh with the Modest Mouse “sound”, Brock’s voice alone will inevitably draw conclusions.

What is great about this album, however is the wide range of music on it. The opener, “Barnacles” is a mellow, introspective, slight somber song that has become one of my favorite songs recently. The lyrics are great, with wordplay like “I don’t know me, and you don’t know you, so we fit so good together because I knew you like I knew myself”. Other slower songs are equally great, like “Hotcha Girls”, “Cat Faces”, “Smoke Like Ribbons” (which is almost a bit country), and the distant, spacey closer, “So Long To The Holidays”. Then there are some stranger songs, like “Parasites”, a kinda of happy, upbeat, horn heavy song that deal with death, decay, and parasites. Sweet! “Things I Don’t Remember” is probably the strangest song on the album, but it’s a really fun song, if you can tolerate lyrics about dressed up alligators, disco dancing neighbors born in mashed potatoes, and cum on the piano (yeah seriously). Meanwhile, there’s some slightly more funky traditional MM songs like “Ice On The Sheets” and “Pacifico”.

So overall, it’s definitely an indie rock type album in the vein of Modest Mouse, but it has its own distinct sound that slightly separates it from the rest of their discography. I’d formally review it, but I’m lazy and I just feel like gushing about it a little since it’s a good album.

Even though KFC might be under the same corporation as Taco Bell, thank God they don’t waste their commercials letting you know that they’re full! They let the food, the constant use of “Sweet Home Alabama”, and Colonel Sanders speak for themselves– even if the Colonel is mainly there just to show you that white people like fried chicken too. The meal has a rather ingenious design! Well, okay, it’s not brilliant, but it sure is delicious- and affordable! Under five bucks!

Take your typical KFC goodies, boneless fried chicken and mashed potatoes, and put them in the same container. Don’t stop just there though! You can’t forget the gravy coating and cheese toppings. So I guess I should emphasize that the design is hardly revolutionary, maybe even kind of stupid, but it is definitely tasty and handy.

The meal is easy for eating on the go (notice the absence of a “good to go” quote… oh wait…). As long as the cashier doesn’t forget to give you your spork, you have the luxury of avoiding greasy hands AND having your fingers smell like chicken funk! Now you can completely dodge having those tricky conversations with your girlfriend. “Babe, I PROMISE I didn’t do anything with Brenda. I just ate at KFC, okay? Listen, I can’t help their secret recipe smells the same!”

…And that’s what I call a CRISPY situation! Zing!

This album is terrible. I can’t come up with any better way to put it. It’s a manipulative album that has been expertly built by a record company to sell copies based on the name without really having the semblance of an album. There are essentially 3 songs on this album: the stereotypical rockin’ opener to lure in the Soundgarden/Audioslave fans, the cover of “Billie Jean” (which, while nothing too special, is listenable), and then the previously released Bond single, “You Know My Name”. Everything between is filler.

Now, this can work for some artists. You build an album on 3 big songs and put a lot of decent to mediocre stuff in between and it works out okay. Chuck and I discussed this fact over some drinks at the bar on Saturday night, and how many 80’s bands did this and found fans and commercial success. However, even the big 3 songs on this album are not solid, so the rest of the product’s deficiencies are even more glaring. For example, the opener, “No Such Thing”, is a bit more rock than I expected, but that doesn’t mean it is very good. It has a very dull, unmemorable riff and a very forgettable guitar tone. When taking in the guitarists from Cornell’s past (and even his last solo album), this is a massive disappointment.

Speaking of Cornell’s other solo album, that might as well have been a lifetime ago now. This album has none of the same musicians and sounds completely different. I was slightly encouraged seeing Gary Lucas’ name as a musician on this album, seeing as how he was a large direct influence on Jeff Buckley and Cornell was close with both of them, but it really just doesn’t mesh all that well. The feel of the album is so mishmashy. It starts off with a hard rockin’ song, touches on some R&B, has some really slow ballads, has a lot of ‘adult contemporary’ feel songs (ugggghhhhh), and then ends with an oddly placed rock song. I can’t really say it is one type of album or another. So really, it’s just not good. Most of it sounds like a guy in his mid-40’s trying to write music that is not his forte, but yet is afraid to truly buy into his own vision, so he threw some safe songs on the album that would attract more buyers. That just doesn’t fly with me, man. Get an idea for an album and sell that to me. Don’t try to solicit an album to me on false pretenses.

All this is enough to irritate me, but the real crime here is how truly awful the lyrics are. I mean, Chris Cornell is not exactly a master lyricist, but suffice to say, he’s made a lot of songs with pretty good lyrics that were very memorable (some of the stuff from the prime Soundgarden years provide pretty good examples). Well, for a solo album where the album is lacking musically, his lyrics would really have to take precedence, and you can plainly see here that they are just wretchedly bad and lame. I don’t care what context it is in a song, the chorus of a song should never start “Can I visit your arms?/Can I visit your legs?”. Seriously, that’s the best you can do? It’s pathetically lame, and it sounds more like a bad Rod Stewart or Bryan Adams song.

Then there is the bafflingly stupid “She’ll Never Be Your Man”, where Cornell laments “She can be your lover/She can be your friend/She can be your vision of a mother like the one you never had/She will know your troubles better than I can/But she’ll never be your man”, which, I can only hazard a guess, seems to be taking the stance that this woman he addresses the song to may be able to find happiness and understanding and love in another woman, but who cares!! SHE’LL NEVER BE YOUR MAN! What does that even fucking mean? At best, it’s an immature comment, and at worst, it can be interpreted as a strong anti-gay message. I don’t think that’s the case, but regardless, it’s still shitty song writing and the song is nearly unlistenable because of it. Other songs like “Poison Eye” have awkward word choices that don’t make sense, and “Arms Around Your Love” has overly sappy sentiments that make it hard to take seriously. The rest of the album is pretty much full of similar complaints in more forgettable songs.

The two previously mentioned songs that at least bear mentioning are “Billie Jean” and “You Know My Name”. “Billie Jean” is slowed down and has very minimal accompaniment, and while at times it borders on a little overwrought, it’s kinda neat to hear it in a different light than the Jackson original. Then there is “You Know My Name”, which is probably the closest that Cornell comes to sounding like his previous solo album, and is highlighted by some high production values. The problem is, this just screams “tacked on”. The obvious album ender is track 13, but then we get the easy single at the end to sweeten the deal, even though it really doesn’t fit the feel of the album at all and sticks out like a sore thumb. It’s not a great song, but it’s pretty good, it’s just a shame the rest of the album didn’t sound more like this. More false advertising.

To say this was a massive disappointment is an understatement. I was always a fan of his first solo album, even though I felt it took awhile to really appreciate. This album just has no semblance of that. I’ve tried to like this album for weeks, and it’s just not sinking in. There are a few songs that could have had potential (I think “Ghosts” is a decent, if unspectacular, pop song if you try to separate it from the rest of the album) but are marred by very incomplete, rushed-sounding music and awful lyrics and a completely aimless album concept. I would perhaps give this album just a “Poor”, but after finishing this review, I’m not sure I’m ever going to have the urge to listen to it again. To me, that’s a terrible album. And so it goes.