Note: This review is only of the XBox 360 version of Guitar Hero III. Some slight changes may exist with the other platforms/guitar models, but overall the game should look and play the same.

The Guitar Hero brand has been on a strange path of success ever since the first game made a silent but strong impact back in November of 2005. Along the way, the franchise was bought up by publisher Activision, enjoyed huge Madden like sales for the sequel, and even had a bit of an “expansion pack” this past Summer. But with Harmonix jumping ship to work on the potentially earth shattering Rock Band, the developing duties for Guitar Hero III were handed over to Neversoft (of Tony Hawk fame). Many fans were left wondering if this would signify the beginning of the end for the series. (more…)

Yes, that’s right. I hate survival horror games. Let me tell you why.

1. I don’t particularly like being scared. Just the “AHH! SURPRISE!” type of scared, really. I don’t like having to go through a game half-expecting something to jump out around every corner. Of all types of horror, I like slow paced psychological horror. I think Romero does it best in the “Dead” movies. None of those movies are really scary, but they do provoke emotions that aren’t normally brought out in horror, and they show the interaction of characters who aren’t close but have been put in a situation where their true survival instincts come out. In survival horror games you are mostly isolated, and character interaction is minimal.

2. Weird puzzles are neither scary nor fun. Only in movies like Hellraiser are there strange puzzling aspects to the horror. But in a game like Resident Evil, puzzles are shoe-horned into the real-world aspects of the game. Puzzles should fit in to the environment. A great example of a “puzzle” is found in The Goonies, when Andy is forced to play a piano made of human bones, in a cave, that sets of booby traps if played incorrectly. In most survival horror games, the puzzles provide no sense of danger if the player fails to solve them, the player just has to solve them to move on.

3. I like blowing shit up. If I’m given a shotgun, I want to shot a zombie in the face with it, not run by it because I have to conserve shells. There isn’t much more I can say about this specifically, but it leads to other points…

4. Either give me a full blown inventory or limit it even further (but adjust the gameplay to match). Survival horror games, despite the supernatural aspects, are supposed to convey a good bit of reality. Why can I have a rocket launcher, shotgun, pistol, and a whole bunch of herbs, but all I see is the knife I am wielding? If this type of inventory system reflects a real survival scenario, then I am sure drug smugglers everywhere would love to learn the secrets of Konami and Capcom for their own herb carrying needs. But this point goes back to the previous one. I have a rocket launcher, shotgun, and pistol all tucked away somewhere, so why is it that I have no use for them because ammo is so sparse!? Either give me more usage with the weapons I have, or give me a fun way to use limited resources. (Hint: running past zombies is not fun.)

5. Last time I checked, trying to survive doesn’t entail awkwardly trying to figure out how to walk slowly to a safe haven. One of the biggest complaints with Resident Evil is that the controls are annoying. It is very rare for a game to map controls into a scheme that doesn’t intuitively imply that pressing up makes the character move up on the screen. Other than for the sake of making the game harder, I cannot see why anyone decided this was a good idea. In general though, survival horror controls are clumsy and rely more on planned, careful movement than tight reflex that would be needed in a surprising situation.

6. Interactive environments. Ok, I’ll chalk this up to the PSX having limited capabilities to really push the limits on interactivity. But still, it is not very “survival” like not to be able to use everything around you. Why can’t I hotwire that car over there to mow down these zombies? Oh, probably because it’s just tacked into the background. Fun. I guess I’ll just run past them then. Or how about I go find some safe haven in this empty-looking apartment complex? Hmm… that’s odd… it’s not locked, and the door-knob is still there, there just seems to be some odd force repelling my hand away from opening it! I guess I will just have to enter that one building that is obviously open.

7. Let me decide how to survive. Survival is all about using a mix of knowledge, skills, and instinct to get through a situation. Survival is not all about following a path to advance the story. Survival is all about taking risks and delving into the unknown, which is really scary compared to a baddie surprising you. Knowing that the decisions you make in a survival situation could mean life or death for you and others should be the primary element in a survival game. But in survival horror games it’s practically non existent. Decisions in survival horror games are primarily made up of fight-or-flight reactions (which are based on item resources), or whether to take or leave certain items (again, item resources…). Obviously with stronger and stronger enemies, certain paths must be taken, but these paths offer no choice. I’m not getting that rocket launcher because the risk is worth the gain, I’m getting it because if I don’t the game won’t progress.

Despite my complaints, the biggest push in me not playing survival games is unfortunately point #1. I’m a pussy, and these games do tend to scare me in ways that I don’t like, and I don’t play games that I don’t like.

What I would like to see in survival horror games:

The ultimate survival horror experience in my book would be one where players must work together to survive unknown encounters. The team would be ranked as a whole and individually, so it mixes the personal survival with the team survival. Once a player is dead, they are out of the game. Perhaps it would be possible for them to re-enter as a new character, but the team’s score would drop and the player’s would reset to 0. In an “achievement points” type deal, there could be achievements for being the lone survivor without killing your friends, as well as having the whole team survive, so no matter what the individual drive for survival prevails. If a team mate is wounded, such as being bit by a zombie, the team must decide on a mercy killing, or using their friend as long as possible. And the friend must deal with his fate and what it could mean for his friends. What happens when there is one antidote, but two wounded players? The solution could be solved peacefully, or violently, depending on how badly the players wish to push on.

I have to give a shout out to Zach for reminding me of a few things I hate about survival horror games.

We all know Halloween’s all about tradition, but we also know that tradition can sometimes be bad. Like dying, for instance. No one seems to want to break away from that custom. I’m not trying so much to remove the elements that make this holiday classic, but give some insight on some of the newer things kids try out these days as well as offer my take on the best solutions.

Old School: Bobbing for apples
Recent Development: Wasting eggs on cars
Best Alternative: Being buried in a tub full of M&Ms and eating your way out

Old School: Black licorice
Recent Development: Harry Potter Jelly Beans
Best Alternative: McDonald’s limited time only Pumpkin Pies, $1 for two!

Old School: Gazing into mirrors trying to conjure up Bloody Mary
Recent Development: Finding out Mary has a “bloody”
Best Alternative: Drinking a Bloody Mary

Old School: Watching Horror Films
Recent Development: Watching any of the Saw flicks
Best Alternative: Watching crappy Sci-fi Channel movies like the one where scientists genetically mutate sharks so they can walk on land and eat Vietnamese [people]

Old School: Gonorrhea from a witch
Recent Development: Syphilis from a Borat
Best Alternative: Abstaining from a Davy Jones despite your avid tentacle fantasies

Side note: I am Vietnamese

When I first got my Game Boy Advance, the two games I started with were Golden Sun and Castlevania: Circle of the Moon. Both of these games are fantastic, but I liked Castlevania a little bit more, so I ended up playing that first. The GBA was a big step up from the Game Boy Color and Circle of the Moon really illustrated what the new handheld was capable of.

In Circle of the Moon, you play as Nathan Graves, a vampire hunter in training. When Dracula is revived by a woman named Carmilla, Nathan, Morris Baldwin (his teacher), and Hugh Baldwin (Morris’ son) race to Dracula’s castle to slay the Count before he can once again spread his evil across the land. Nathan and Hugh get separated from their teacher when Dracula sends them plummeting into the catacombs. Hugh decides to abandon Nathan to search for his father on his own and the game begins from here as Nathan fights his way through the demon castle to find his master.

Circle of the Moon plays similarly to Symphony of the Night where you are free to roam the castle rather than follow a particular path. At first, you are limited to where you can travel, but as you collect new items, more and more of the castle opens up to you. At first, you are armed with only a whip, which is your primary weapon for the course of the game, but you soon find other sub-weapons common to the series, such as the dagger, holy water, crucifix, etc. These all require hearts to use and each weapon uses a different number of hearts for each consecutive attack. You can equip armor and items you find in your travels to help protect yourself from the many threats throughout the game, but unlike Symphony of the Night, there is no shop in which to buy new items. Instead, you will have to rely on whatever your enemies randomly leave behind upon their deaths. This is rather tedious as you will have to fight enemies over and over in order to get the equipment you desire. Occasionally, you will find relics that grant you new abilities, including the ability to run, double-jump, do a shoulder-block and so on. These are all necessary to advance through the game and are usually guarded by one of the game’s many bosses.

A new addition is the inclusion of Magic Cards. These grant you new attacks and abilities by tapping into your magic points. There are two varieties of cards: action cards and attribute cards. The action cards grant you a number of skills, while the attribute cards determine exactly what skill you use. There are 10 of each kind of card for a total of 100 different skills and abilities. The cards are the defining feature of the game and will likely have a great impact on your overall experience. Because each card is dropped randomly by defeated enemies, it can be rather difficult to acquire them all. Also, some combinations of cards are a lot more useful than others. A favorite of mine is the Mars card which grants you different weapons, like elemental swords, hammers, even a pistol. But for every good combination, there are a few bad ones. The Jupiter card is rather useless; it causes different objects to slowly rotate around you, acting as a shield. This sounds more useful than it really is, I assure you. The key is to try all the combinations out and find the ones that will be the most helpful.

The visuals in this game are quite impressive, especially when you consider that this was a launch title for the GBA. Most of the sprites are a bit small, but detailed none the less. The bosses in particular are very pleasing to look at and are among the most detailed objects in the game. I have but two complaints with this game’s visuals. One is that Nathan himself is not very well animated. He has a wide variety of animations for different situations; it’s just that all of them seem to have too few frames of animation than they should. His running animation has about four frames to it and that seems unacceptable when you consider how well animated the previous games in the series are. The other complaint is that the graphics are much too dark. If you play this game on the original GBA, you’ll be lucky if you can see a damn thing. However, this can be remedied by playing it on one of the newer, back-lit Game Boys or using the Game Boy Player to play it on your TV. I know that Castlevania is supposed to have a dark and eerie look to it, but this is too dark for a handheld. Konami obviously took note of this; the following game, Harmony of Dissonance, was made much brighter.

Castlevania is known for having quality audio, especially with its music, and Circle of the Moon is no exception. You might consider the music to be a tribute to past Castlevania games as most of the soundtrack is reprisals of songs from previous games. There are a lot of songs from Castlevania III (including Clockwork, Aquarius, and Nightmare), one from Super Castlevania IV (Clockwork Mansion), a few from Bloodlines (such as A Vision of Dark Secrets and Sinking Old Sanctuary), and even a few from Rondo of Blood and Castlevania 64 (Illusionary Dance and Requiem from RoB, and the Introduction from CV64, respectfully). The game has its share of songs composed for this game specifically as well. The Catacombs music is the first area’s theme which is catchy and gets you in the vampire-slaying mood, as it should. What surprises me is that Konami never topped this game’s sound quality with either Harmony of Dissonance or Aria of Sorrow. It’s clear they took some extra steps to get the most out of the GBA’s sound processor with this game. The only downside to the game’s audio is that there’s a bit of a hissing noise when playing. It is noticeable, but it doesn’t really detract from the experience. You’ll likely be too busy admiring the game’s incredible music. As for sound effects, they are of high quality as well and often fitting for the actions they represent. The snap of the whip, the crumbling and burning of defeated monsters, the roars of the large and menacing bosses… they all add to the experience.

You’ll likely notice right away that this game is very challenging. Unless you level-up constantly, you’ll be getting your ass handed to you regularly. Some people may be turned off by this game’s brutal difficulty, but if you’re a Castlevania veteran, you likely won’t mind the challenge. The controls are very responsive and Nathan is easy to maneuver, so any aggression you have towards the game is your own fault for getting yourself killed. The game is quite long for a handheld game and it will take you many hours to explore all the nooks and crannies of the castle, especially if you take the time to find every secret passage and get 100% map completion. The game also has a few bonus modes for those skilled enough to slay Dracula. I won’t go into details for those of you who like surprises, but they add some replay value to the game for those who enjoy it enough to play again.

All in all, Circle of the Moon is another quality entry in the Castlevania series. Take note, this game is frustratingly hard, and if you’re not a patient person, you may get discouraged and want to give up. But if you’re a fan of past Castlevania games, this game has everything you could want. I would say that Circle of the Moon is one of the Game Boy Advance’s finest games, and is easily the best Castlevania for the handheld. Pick it up if you see it!

I write this review with an extremely conflicted viewpoint. On one hand, Yoshi’s Island DS is essentially a direct followup to one of my favorite platformers ever, the original Yoshi’s Island. It uses much of the same designs and physics of the original and adds some twists here and there. On the other hand, the game also feels so similar, yet inferior, to the original in many aspects, and it is hard to pinpoint exactly why. The art direction, while not exactly the same, is strikingly similar. The menus and level progression are the same. The game feels the same as the original, control-wise. The bosses are big and screen spanning, just like the original. So why does the game feel inferior? (more…)

So yeah it’s October. What does that mean? Well if you’re an old man like me (and I am sure you are not) it’s time to be bitter about Halloween. It’s also time to get drunk on a box of cheap wine because not only are you old but you are also broke as shit. But seriously, $12.99 for 3 bottles of wine!? Where I come from that’s not called dependency, that’s called a bargain. I don’t need to spend my hard earned money on bottles and labels. Put all that booze in a tidy box and I will buy it and I will drink it. Bank on it because I got nothing to lose. Where was I? Oh right, Halloween. I’ve never been a big Halloween fan. The only memories I have of childhood Halloween is the disappointment of a Walgreen’s Pac-Man costume (Fucking plastic Pac-Mac Mask and a smock. Nice work!) and the cold burning hatred of Butterfingers. I wish I had butterfingers every time I was handed one of those Butterfingers so I dropped that gross shit into the sewer, amirite!!?!?! Anyway, me and Halloween aren’t friends. A huge problem is that even with my “valuable” art degree, I’m uncreative when it comes to costumes. Probably the best costume I ever had was a couple years ago when I dressed up as present day Luigi. It was pretty good because I was fat at the time and had access to leisurewear. A+. Anyway, what does my past have to do with this Halloween? Well I have no clue. I sort of got my own blog for a minute there. How about a review of treats you can give out this year? That’s what I set out to do. So here we go.

SweetTarts and Nerds - This is the Miller High Life of candy. I wish they could combine these two treats into one huge super candy. Just shoot them into the sun so they all melt together and I can eat them in a tortilla. Tortillas rule especially if you made them out of chocolate and wrapped up it around magic candy made in the sun. Nerds put two flavors in one box. They are totally looking out for you dude, so relax and get on the horn to NASA. Let’s make this happen.

Butterfingers - I know I am going against the popular opinion because everyone loves that goddamned Bart Simpson, but Butterfingers suck. What is the appeal? They are fucking awful. Butter chocolate? In theory it’s a great idea. Butter is awesome. So is chocolate. When you combine them is where you go wrong. Blah. I will trade these for the proverbial razor filled apple without even thinking twice.

Booze filled chocolates - Oh man these are delicious. And I know for a FACT that alcohol makes you cool. Do you want to be the guy giving out the toothbrushes or the guy giving out buzzes? That’s what I thought. It’s like a “Get Out of Egg Free” pass. If you’re a kid with a dozen eggs are you egging the guy who gives you alcohol on Halloween? Nope. For a lazy man like me, this is all I care about on this damn holiday. Egg is not easy to get out. Ask my parents.

Full Sized-Candy Bars - Well la deed dah fancy pants. Nothing says I’m overcompensating for the empty hole in my life like full sized candy bars. It’s the Porsche of Halloween candy. Just give out small cards that say “My dick/vagina is small.”

Gummy Crabby Patties - SPONGEBOB OMFG!!!! These things taste like shoelaces. My wife and I got these one year and mixed them in with the other, more delicious treats. Wow, you should have seen the look of disappointment on those kids faces when they lost the Halloween Lottery. I might as well have asked them to perform a trick for me. RHETORICAL QUESTION, ASSHOLE! GIVE ME THAT CANDY!

Little Bits of Pornography Clipped from Magazines - Jackpot! This is probably the best thing you could give out on Halloween. There is no question about it. The key is to clip only the saucy bits like the boobies and the basement bits. What I do is to wrap them around the booze filled chocolates. Then I explain to the police that it was an honest mistake.

Fake beards - Doncha wish your boyfriend was Nick Wood-side? Doncha, doncha.

Self-help tapes - This is the thinking man’s Halloween treat. If there is one thing the fatties dressed up like Captain Planet need is a little help. Okay, fair enough a ton of help. Tony Robbins may be a shitty Halloween costume but he’s a goddamned life changer. Give these out and you’ll be sleeping easy just like me.

Peanut Butter Cups - Holy shit. I want to love these candies slow and tender. I don’t even know what more to say about these things. I mean if you’ve ever tasted them you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t…well why hasn’t the government talked to you? Here’s a great question: If the peanut butter in Peanut Butter Cups was put on bread would you think it’s the worst peanut butter ever? It probably would be but combined with chocolate it’s incredible. Let’s face it: Peanut Butter Cups are magic.

Jelly Belly Jelly Beans - These are so good! I have no jokes about these things. I can mix three beans and make key lime pie! I can mix two beans and have a daiquiri. Amazing! They have a vomit bean for cripessakes! They can do anything and you should be lucky get such a gift! I love the shit out of jelly beans.

So yeah that’s how I win Halloween. If you want to follow my lead and be a local hero by my guest. Send $5 in royalties asap and it’s a happy Halloween all around. Especially for me because I just finished my box of wine. God I love the World Series.

Voted at the same time as the characters in the previous post, the members of TheShizz Message Board (of which many of the Good-Evil writers also are members there) were polled on their favorite NES games. A top 10 vote was taken, and then tabulated, and the final result comes to us courtesy of Ryan8bit, who again did a fantastic job with the images. If the design looks slightly familiar, think early Nintendo Power. It’s pretty much a spot on tribute to their original top 30 in their magazine. For the list and results, hit more… (more…)

A short while ago, the members of TheShizz Message Board (of which many of the Good-Evil writers also are members there) were polled on their favorite NES characters. A top 10 vote was taken, and then tabulated, and the final result comes to us courtesy of Ryan8bit, who was kind enough to make some awesome images and compile them for your pleasure. Hit more to scope out who made the cut and who took home #1. (more…)

The first thing you need to know about The Sounds Dying to Say This to You is that the album cover is so completely bitchin’ that it can make the album buyable without even listening to it. It is pure sex. As far as the music goes, “Ego” and “Hurt You” are tops, the best on the album. But all of them are fucking awesome retro-synth jams that will rock the socks of anyone newborn (or stillborn) to dead people in their graves. “Night After Night” is a slower song, but it is still bitchin’. I love the lead singer’s voice. She has amazing range and she switches it up with her backup male vocalist. They both croon so well! It’s definitely a party album, but there’s a nice mix. It keeps the tempo up throughout, save maybe 2 songs which are a bit more somber.

My final word is this: If you have any money in your pocket….go and steal this album! It is worth a 5-10 year prison sentence…’nuff said.

Good tracks: “Ego”, “Running out of Turbo”(mainly because the title is so fucking awesome), “Hurt You”, “Song with a Mission”, “Queen of Apology”, and “Painted by Numbers”
Bad tracks: See any album by Korn, cause this album ain’t got none.

Turtles

TMNT
Released: 2007

This new Turtles movie was ridiculously cheesy with utterly lame villains and pathetic execution. There’s just no hope for making an entertaining movie with those ingredients.

Battlestar

Battlestar Galactica (TV series)
Released: 2004

I recently rewatched the pilot and was blown away by how good it is. This series is great. It follows a good equation:

Explosions + Genocide + Cyborgs + A Sexy Blonde = Droolage. It’s too early to feel safe, I’ll kill you here.

Queens

Queens of the Stone Age Live @ The Orpheum
Date: 10/12/07

This was an utterly shitty venue for a rock show. I watched from the rear of the balcony, and the sound was awful. “Make It Witchu” should NEVER be played live, nor should “Turning The Screw” and “3’s and 7’s”. QOTSA certainly had energy but the only song that I really enjoyed was “I Think I Lost My Headache”. The setlist was way too short and the crowd was filled with morons who mindlessly clapped along to a few songs, at least for the beginning of a few. It was, by far, the WORST Queens show I have ever been to out of the 6 or 7 I’ve attended so far. I actually wanted to leave well before it was over.