Full disclosure: This has been on the internet before. But it was a blog so only….3 people read it. Anyway, I feel bad about slacking on this site so I want to give you guys *something* and I like it enough to want more people to read it.

When I was in middle school, I had 5 albums I would play constantly:

Fugazi - Steady Diet of Nothing

Helloween - Keeper of the Seven Keys, Pt. 2

Now the first four are arguably considered some of the finest albums created by their respective artists. (I’m sure somewhere people are arguing about the quintessential Primus record. Wow, that’s depressing.) However, Keeper of the Seven Keys, Pt. 2 (”KOT7KP2″) might possibly be the greatest album ever written.

“Excuse me Nick, you must be mistaken. You must mean it’s the greatest record created since white people stole the soul of music from black baby Jesus. Beethoven wrote some pretty big hits.”

Impossible. Music made by a bunch of deaf people banging on pianos in wigs cannot be the best music ever written. If we apply your thinking to modern music, The Kids of Widney High should be considered the apex of R&B. Plus I’m not willing to validate a piece of music written by someone who couldn’t be bothered to lay it down in the studio. Here are the facts:

- Guitarist Kai Hansen left the band shortly after KOT7KP2 was released for “troubles with the record company”, but really he quit because he knew he would never collaborate on anything that powerful ever again.

- Even though it written in the late 80’s, “Eagle Fly Free” is powerful, blunt look at the United States in the current century.

In the sky a mighty eagle/Doesn’t care about what’s illegal/On its wings the rainbows light/It’s flying to eternity

Clearly that’s a reference to the illegal wiretaps, secret prisons, and shady politics our government (the mighty eagle) employs to stay upon its perch overlooking the Universe. The rainbow reference seems out of place, but they are German so it probably means something heterosexual over there. Hey, we think so supersonic too.

- My friend Chris: “They wrote a song about a monster who grows up to be a rock musician/politician. ” Exactly.

- This photograph:

- Their tour behind KOT7KP2 was called the “Pumpkins Fly Free” tour which, when you think about it, is pretty true.

- In the video for “I Want Out”, the premise is that we’re all trapped by our own inhibitions and societal constraints (stunningly represented by “the viewer” repeatedly entering the “hallway” of singer Michael Kiske’s psyche through his mouth). Helloween use the medium of video to show their struggle to break out of these self-imposed asylums and ascend to a higher intellectual level. Albeit one brimming with scalding hot guitar licks and impossibly bold drum fills. They also could be foreshadowing original drummer Ingo Schwichtenberg’s battle against schizophrenia (a battle he would lose in 1995 when he jumped in front of a train) since it was well established at the time that they were psychics.

- In the time it takes to listen to the song “Keeper of the Seven Keys” 102 times in a row, you can drive from Minneapolis to Boston. It will be the best car ride of your life.

Drums, guitars, bass, keys, and a song about throwing keys into large bodies of water; that is what this record has that others don’t. I don’t know why anyone even bothers writing music anymore.

I am looking for any domesticated, well-trained, and obedient cats, for a special film project. The cat will be spending long periods of time partially submerged in highly viscous fluids. Cats will be returned as I unfortunately am allergic to them. No pay, but they will be washed and groomed for free. Please, don’t waste my time with cats lacking in personality or that “turn it off” as the camera starts rolling. Short hairs are preferred as I will be also dying the cats specific shades of the rainbow. I will have color swatches available for owners who don’t feel comfortable with the color I choose, for their feline. Please respond promptly as my status as a U.S. citizen is now in contention. (more…)

Contributed by Alex Atchley. His website is Hot Dog Storm and his excellent music is here.

5. Firefox Boob Cat

This lolcat, while not having a caption, is cuddling a boob, which is something I would very much like to do sometime soon. Not that I’ve NEVER cuddled a boob before… I mean thats really none of your business, actually. Fuck off.

4. Invisible Bike Cat

What else needs to be said about the Invisible Bike cat? Not much.

3. Cookie Cat

I always thought that it would be funny to be interviewed on TV and then answer the reporter using LOLCAT captions…. or Catptions. “Well, Bob… I have some good news and some bad news… I made you a cookie…. bad news… I eated it.” History in the making folks.

2. Critical Mass Kitty

This kitty has reached critical rating. Its kind of a “thinking man’s LOLCAT,” which is why I like it so much. Very cute too.

1. Monorail Cat

Here it is, Gatos Uno. The Monorail Cat is very abstract. It raises questions…this cat appears to be some sort of transportation device for some unknown secret society. Is Monorail Cat the way of the future? When fossil fuel reserves finally dry up… Cats? Truckcat? SUVCAT? I suggest investing in feline transportation companies… N-O-W

It’s no secret that I’ve been a fan of Mike Doughty since the Soul Coughing years, and he’s one of the artists I’ve seen the most live over the years. As such, I have generally been a big promoter of his stuff to my friends due to his excellent, unusual lyrics, his vocal delivery, and intimate, mostly acoustic performances. In 2005, he released Haughty Melodic, which was his first “big” release, on Dave Matthews’ ATO Records. Without going too much into that particular record, I felt it was a little too much instrumentation and felt a bit like Mike Doughty playing with Dave Matthews Band at times, but it certainly had its moments. Now in 2008, he’s released Golden Delicious, his second major album, and while it also has some great moments, it’s hurt by a lot of mediocre songs and strange inclusions. (more…)

Here’s the scoop, if you love action movies then you will love Doomsday. I was expecting little from this film. I saw some previews, and Doomsday seemed like another typical action flick: shallow characters, stuff blowing up, poorly executed one-liners, plot holes the size of Texas, and an overly predictable ending (yawn). I thought it would be entertaining and worth a watch, nothing more. However, when walking out of the theater, I was pleasantly surprised that this movie included few of the characteristics mentioned above. There are some negatives to this movie, but I literally thought to myself while watching, “I don’t fucking care. This is awesome!” (more…)

Contributed by James Spairana. He creates music under the alias of Paragon, and he runs the music competition Dwelling of Duels.

Things that horrify us in reality often intrigue us in fiction. Graphic violence and disturbing thematic material can evoke an emotional reaction that a bloodless, milquetoast romantic comedy will leave dormant–ranging from excitement to shock to horror. With that in mind, here are four TV shows that just might evoke such a reaction out of you.

4. Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (SVU)

This popular show is a rare example of a spin-off becoming more popular than the series that spawned it. The Special Victims Unit is a unit of detectives who investigate crimes involving sexual assault, the very young, or the very elderly, as well as any crime loosely connected with any of the three. For example, in one episode there is a serial killer who targets wealthy elderly women (and robs them). In another, the detectives bust a child sex slave trade. Another still involves a doctor impregnating a coma patient for the sake of medical research–and of course, there is always the ubiquitous dead hooker to fall back on. What separates SVU from other cop dramas is that they frequently take time away from the investigation to focus on the detectives themselves, making the show less repetitive.

3. When They Cry (Higurashi) - first season

An animated show, When They Cry takes place in a tiny rural town. The first episode or two–barring a couple moments here and there–might make this show seem horribly out of place on this list; the characters are mostly young, and their interactions don’t even drop a hint of drama. Rather, they’re cutesy and have a childish sense of humor to them (goofy slapstick, for example). This changes in the third and especially fourth episode, as the main character’s friends enter bizarre, zombie-like states wherein they threaten to harm and kill him. The show is ultimately something of a mystery, but it involves some gruesome insanity. Just don’t let the douche chills you get from the occasional horribly cheesy maniacal laughter turn you off. The second season, unfortunately, gets away from the mystery/horror aspect and delves into more of a sci-fi theme.

2. Elfen Lied

While Elfen Lied is also animated–beautifully animated, by the way–it starts out less innocuously; the first shot is that of a severed arm twitching on the floor of a research lab, and the first scene contains no less than 25 bloody deaths (although that’s probably more deaths than on the rest of the show). Where Higurashi constrasts cuteness with psychosis, Elfenlied contrasts cuteness with cruelty, and has a heavy-handed point to make about the way society treats people who are “different” in some way. Be warned, there is some cartoon nudity.

1. Dexter

Dexter is a show about a serial killer. A serial killer who works for the Miami police. A serial killer who uses his powers for good. You see, this Dexter fellow has an insatiable urge to mutilate people, but he only kills people who are guilty of heinous crimes. The series deals with the duality of Dexter’s life–his serial killer side and his “normal person” facade, as well as the heartache of having to hide his true self from everyone around him. The climax of the first season is absolutely thrilling and perhaps even inspiring, and the eleven episodes that precede it are damn good too.