Full disclosure: This has been on the internet before. But it was a blog so only….3 people read it. Anyway, I feel bad about slacking on this site so I want to give you guys *something* and I like it enough to want more people to read it.

When I was in middle school, I had 5 albums I would play constantly:

Fugazi – Steady Diet of Nothing

Helloween – Keeper of the Seven Keys, Pt. 2

Now the first four are arguably considered some of the finest albums created by their respective artists. (I’m sure somewhere people are arguing about the quintessential Primus record. Wow, that’s depressing.) However, Keeper of the Seven Keys, Pt. 2 (“KOT7KP2″) might possibly be the greatest album ever written.

“Excuse me Nick, you must be mistaken. You must mean it’s the greatest record created since white people stole the soul of music from black baby Jesus. Beethoven wrote some pretty big hits.”

Impossible. Music made by a bunch of deaf people banging on pianos in wigs cannot be the best music ever written. If we apply your thinking to modern music, The Kids of Widney High should be considered the apex of R&B. Plus I’m not willing to validate a piece of music written by someone who couldn’t be bothered to lay it down in the studio. Here are the facts:

- Guitarist Kai Hansen left the band shortly after KOT7KP2 was released for “troubles with the record company”, but really he quit because he knew he would never collaborate on anything that powerful ever again.

- Even though it written in the late 80′s, “Eagle Fly Free” is powerful, blunt look at the United States in the current century.

In the sky a mighty eagle/Doesn’t care about what’s illegal/On its wings the rainbows light/It’s flying to eternity

Clearly that’s a reference to the illegal wiretaps, secret prisons, and shady politics our government (the mighty eagle) employs to stay upon its perch overlooking the Universe. The rainbow reference seems out of place, but they are German so it probably means something heterosexual over there. Hey, we think so supersonic too.

- My friend Chris: “They wrote a song about a monster who grows up to be a rock musician/politician. ” Exactly.

- This photograph:

- Their tour behind KOT7KP2 was called the “Pumpkins Fly Free” tour which, when you think about it, is pretty true.

- In the video for “I Want Out”, the premise is that we’re all trapped by our own inhibitions and societal constraints (stunningly represented by “the viewer” repeatedly entering the “hallway” of singer Michael Kiske’s psyche through his mouth). Helloween use the medium of video to show their struggle to break out of these self-imposed asylums and ascend to a higher intellectual level. Albeit one brimming with scalding hot guitar licks and impossibly bold drum fills. They also could be foreshadowing original drummer Ingo Schwichtenberg’s battle against schizophrenia (a battle he would lose in 1995 when he jumped in front of a train) since it was well established at the time that they were psychics.

- In the time it takes to listen to the song “Keeper of the Seven Keys” 102 times in a row, you can drive from Minneapolis to Boston. It will be the best car ride of your life.

Drums, guitars, bass, keys, and a song about throwing keys into large bodies of water; that is what this record has that others don’t. I don’t know why anyone even bothers writing music anymore.

I am looking for any domesticated, well-trained, and obedient cats, for a special film project. The cat will be spending long periods of time partially submerged in highly viscous fluids. Cats will be returned as I unfortunately am allergic to them. No pay, but they will be washed and groomed for free. Please, don’t waste my time with cats lacking in personality or that “turn it off” as the camera starts rolling. Short hairs are preferred as I will be also dying the cats specific shades of the rainbow. I will have color swatches available for owners who don’t feel comfortable with the color I choose, for their feline. Please respond promptly as my status as a U.S. citizen is now in contention. (more…)

Contributed by Alex Atchley. His website is Hot Dog Storm and his excellent music is here.

5. Firefox Boob Cat

This lolcat, while not having a caption, is cuddling a boob, which is something I would very much like to do sometime soon. Not that I’ve NEVER cuddled a boob before… I mean thats really none of your business, actually. Fuck off.

4. Invisible Bike Cat

What else needs to be said about the Invisible Bike cat? Not much.

3. Cookie Cat

I always thought that it would be funny to be interviewed on TV and then answer the reporter using LOLCAT captions…. or Catptions. “Well, Bob… I have some good news and some bad news… I made you a cookie…. bad news… I eated it.” History in the making folks.

2. Critical Mass Kitty

This kitty has reached critical rating. Its kind of a “thinking man’s LOLCAT,” which is why I like it so much. Very cute too.

1. Monorail Cat

Here it is, Gatos Uno. The Monorail Cat is very abstract. It raises questions…this cat appears to be some sort of transportation device for some unknown secret society. Is Monorail Cat the way of the future? When fossil fuel reserves finally dry up… Cats? Truckcat? SUVCAT? I suggest investing in feline transportation companies… N-O-W

It’s no secret that I’ve been a fan of Mike Doughty since the Soul Coughing years, and he’s one of the artists I’ve seen the most live over the years. As such, I have generally been a big promoter of his stuff to my friends due to his excellent, unusual lyrics, his vocal delivery, and intimate, mostly acoustic performances. In 2005, he released Haughty Melodic, which was his first “big” release, on Dave Matthews’ ATO Records. Without going too much into that particular record, I felt it was a little too much instrumentation and felt a bit like Mike Doughty playing with Dave Matthews Band at times, but it certainly had its moments. Now in 2008, he’s released Golden Delicious, his second major album, and while it also has some great moments, it’s hurt by a lot of mediocre songs and strange inclusions. (more…)

Here’s the scoop, if you love action movies then you will love Doomsday. I was expecting little from this film. I saw some previews, and Doomsday seemed like another typical action flick: shallow characters, stuff blowing up, poorly executed one-liners, plot holes the size of Texas, and an overly predictable ending (yawn). I thought it would be entertaining and worth a watch, nothing more. However, when walking out of the theater, I was pleasantly surprised that this movie included few of the characteristics mentioned above. There are some negatives to this movie, but I literally thought to myself while watching, “I don’t fucking care. This is awesome!” (more…)

For some reason, I can’t seem to ever commit to a full review of a movie, but I’ll throw a few words at the screen about them anyway.

King of California

Michael Douglas stars as a father who is released from a mental hospital, and explores the strained relationship with his daughter, Evan Rachel Wood, who has essentially had to grow up without him. The movie has a bit of that modern art house feel to it, in which it is a bit of a slow paced and quirky tale with unusual characters. The movie is essentially carried by the persona and charisma of Douglas, who puts in a fine performance as an unbalanced dad who is convinced that there is treasure underneath a Costco in California. Wood plays the young girl who has become the adult with her relationship with her father, but nonetheless buys into his eccentricity and bonds with him over what is essentially a wild goose chase. Their complicated relationship makes the movie, and it has a pretty exciting ending. If you are in the mood for a lighthearted, indie flick, this is a pretty solid choice.

Zodiac

Zodiac is a David Fincher film (director of films such as Seven and Fight Club) that follows the Zodiac Killer murders through the 1970′s. I personally wasn’t all that familiar with this story, so the movie was fairly new ground to me. However, the movie is pretty brilliant, and definitely the best directed one by Fincher yet. It’s another slow but methodical movie (clocking in around 2.5 hours), and there are Oscar worthy performances all around. The movie just has fantastic casting, with Jake Gyllenhall leading the way as the obsessed cartoonist that tries to find the Zodiac killer, Robert Downey Jr. as the quick-witted alcoholic journalist, Mark Ruffalo and Anthony Edwards as memorable and likable detectives, and even bit players in good roles like Brian Cox and John Carroll Lynch. The movie really just pulls you into the era, and Fincher creates an amazing replica of the life and times of the 70′s, and additionally the panic that the Zodiac caused. I think this film largely got ignored by a lot of people, but is a great drama crime noir, and very recommended.

Gone Baby Gone

Ben Affleck definitely has a future in directing. His first turn as a director in Gone Baby Gone turns out to be a pretty awesome movie. The movie follows the abduction of a young girl and main character Casey Affleck’s private investigation into the crime. The movie has some great twists and turns, and in contrast to the previous two movies I talked about, moves pretty quickly. It’s also got a nice sense of humor, which doesn’t get in the way of what is a pretty serious crime drama. The movie also presents an excellent division point for the ending where your own personal morality will likely play into it, and you cannot really blame either side for the decisions they make. Also, really great performances by Ed Harris, Morgan Freeman, Casey Affleck, and Michelle Monaghan. Probably my favorite movie I’ve seen so far this year.