Our feature film for a night of terrible movies really took the cake in defining what a bad movie is. Postal, to start with, is a bad game to turn into a movie, considering all the heat the games took, but that’s textbook Boll. But here’s the thing about try to do a comedy movie, especially a controversial one: you have to know how. Boll has directed a series of poor video game action movies that has earned him a lot of scorn and hate from the audience he is trying to appeal to. Here, Boll steps out of his element (not that he particularly succeeded in this element previously) to do a movie that’s based on one of the more offensive games ever made, and he falls flat on his face.

It’s clumsily offensive and seems to try to attack anything and everything for attention. I mean, my god there are multiple morbidly obese fucking scenes, and that’s probably the most vanilla part of the movie. It felt like watching the german director throw a bunch of characters on screen that are giving me the finger and making me headinhands for the longest hour and a half of my life. So congrats, Uwe, another successful bomb. Except, unlike In The Name of the Krug, this was completely unfunny and unwatchable. But don’t just take my word for it:

By Jeremy Stoltzfus

Pros:

- Children are graphically slaughtered.
- A slow driving asian woman eats a face-full of shotgun pellets within the first five minutes of the movie.
- Verne Troyer gets raped by 1,000 monkeys.
- Dave Foley.
- Dave Foley’s junk.
- Colt 45.

Cons:

- Everything else.

By Charlie Goodrich

It bares some resemblance to Postal 2 in that you can murder children, use a cat as a silencer, and the main character’s name is Postal Dude. However, the game is entertaining whereas the movie makes no sense and will insult just about everyone. From what I recall, the plot revolves around finding toys in order to sell them to get rich quick (I was baffled by this scene because Dave Foley disrobes for some full frontal nudity). As you can see it was never going to work with this as a premise. I recommend the game but do not recommend the movie.

By Andrew Raub

I fell asleep during this movie but I don’t think that disqualifies me from judging it. At best, Postal is a movie. At worst, it’s an insulting, nonsensical, and at times over-the-line portrayal of America through the eyes of the outside world (the outside world being Uwe Boll’s twisted brain).

I’m not offended by much, but I was offended by this movie. Particularly the scene where the plane being flown by terrorists flies into a building because those stupid Americans stormed into the cockpit and were too hasty to realize that the innocent terrorists had a change of heart. I dunno, I’m not someone who’s gonna get all boastful about how great ‘Merica is when people talk about 9/11, and I’m definitely skeptical about the whole situation. But to imply that the innocent people whose lives were lost brought their fate and the fate of our nation by their own hands… It’s missing the point and it’s a slap in the face. Uwe, the skeptics say the government did it, and you missed a prime spot to really sock it to Bush & Co. But instead you spit on the graves of people who had no control over those events.

Sorry for the rant but it pissed me off and it’s really the only scene I remember well other than Dave Foley’s floppy dick.

By Brian Hohman

I agree with Raub, that scene was done in very poor taste. The overall film is just entirely unwatchable, the only thing keeping me mildly entertained was woman’s breasts or the alluring possibility of more woman’s breasticles and all the alcohol/sparks. It is a complete shitfest, I mean just the simple things like well selected camera angles and shooting/editing techniques are completely horrendous throughout. All of Jer’s points are absolutely correct, I would also like to add that Uwe’s gunshot to the balls was quite awesome!

By Mike Callahan

After the first scene (9/11 spoof), I wondered why we were still watching it. This thought would occur after every scene for the rest of the movie. The best part of the movie is where Uwe Boll spoofs/plays himself, but I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. The entire movie is a textbook example of the word “inane.” The movie could’ve benefited from a lot more blood produced by senseless slaughter – i.e., the black cop shooting the elderly asian woman. Zack Ward never really goes postal, which is a shame. The movie had way too much of a plot, way too many parts with long, pointless dialogue, like the scene where Ward is lecturing all the various terrorists/trailer park citizens/cops about to kill him. The most memorable part of the entire “Postal” experience was seeing Dave Foley’s dick.

By Chris Derosa

No matter how much nazi gold Boll might have thrown at him, Gary Coleman declined to be in this movie. Maybe he balked at the monkey rape scene, or the sight of Dave Foley’s penis. Either way, that’s bad. Real bad. But bad doesn’t even scratch the surface of what Postal really is.

Contributed by Silas Reinagel. He performs music as TheoConfidor and his website can be found here.

Etrian Odyssey 2 is patterned after old-school CRPGs. Like a lot of the classics, your dungeon exploration takes a first-person perspective. However, unlike an ordinary dungeon, in this RPG, you are exploring the inside of a massive tree, with different levels and Stratum (groups of 5 levels). Even though you are somewhat confined in the massive natural labyrinth, you never particularly confined or claustrophobic, since it feels more like wandering through a lush (and deadly) forest. Each Stratum has it’s own tileset, so just when you’re starting to hope for a change of scenery, the next Stratum is not too far off.

There are lots of different classes to choose from and from the five classes that I’m playing, there is a good amount of variety and differentiation between the classes. No two classes will feel much alike, due to the completely different skillsets available to each. Leveling up is exciting because with every level you gain, you get a skill point to allocate to any accessible skill, either adding a new skill/ability or improving a current skill. There are quite a wide selection of different skills even within one class, which allows you to choose how you want your characters to develop. Also, if you decide that you really don’t like 1 or 2 of your party members, it easy to switch them out near the beginning of the game. You can have up to 30 characters in your guild, and use any 5 of them as your active party.

Acquiring gear/items is somewhat unique. You unlock new gear and items by selling certain numbers of monster drop items to the store. Depending on how many drop you get, you may occasionally get a nicer items sooner than expected, or you may be left with sub-par gear longer than you would expect. For example, I got a Tier-2 Bow and Katana pretty early on, but I was waiting forever to unlock a Tier-2 Sword. Because of that my Survivalist was dealing more damage than my sword-wielding Protector.

The game starts out really tough, and then slowly scales back as you learn the game, learn to run from tough enemies and improve your character skills. Often you’ll find yourself avoiding the wandering FOEs, who can often decimate your party, and coming back to fight after you’ve gone a couple of floors above them. Boss fights can be insanely tough unless you are very well prepared and have your Force Skills fully charged. If you have a good party and a lot of perseverence you will find the game to be about perfect in difficulty, not too frustrating, but also never letting your guard down. A nice feature that saves time is “Auto-Battle” which allows you to auto-attack – perfect for lower-level enemies that can’t cross a blade with your party. You’ll definitely need to do a lot of leveling up to get through, but it never feels like tedious grinding (like in WoW or FF).

Quests add flavor to the game by giving you various side tasks and challenging you in different ways, but they are more for the fun factor than for the rewards (which I’ve never felt are compelling). The sound and music are simple but effective, without a ton of variety, but always high-quality. I really dig the battle theme. The artwork looks really great, and adds a lot of life to the game. Overall, the production is quite superb. Even the map-drawing that you have to do to successfully navigate the labyrinth is actively fun, it doesn’t feel boring or tedious. Exploration for the it’s own sake it a ton of fun.

In summary, Etrian Odyssey 2 is a time-consuming and challenging RPG, yet it is really fun and rewarding if you enjoy that kind of thing. I am thoroughly satisfied and can’t wait to find out what other monsters and surprises await me. Each of the classes really feels like an essential part of the team. I strongly recommend this game!

Metallica has a lot to answer for. They began to lose their metal mojo in the mid-nineties after releasing Load and ReLoad both of which were more mainstream rock than metal. The band members also cut their hair and claimed metal is dead around the time of Load’s release. If this wasn’t enough to isolate fans that followed the band since the 80’s, Metallica went emo with their documentary “Some Kind of Monster” and drifted even further from metal with their 2003 album, St. Anger. By this point I was fairly fed up with Metallica. I have enjoyed all of their work prior to Load when they were primarily a thrash metal band, but for the past decade they have alienated themselves from the metal genre.

Five years have passed since St. Anger, and Metallica has now released Death Magnetic. Death Magnetic brings with it two major changes to the Metallica camp. First, the band has reverted to its older sound complete with ripping guitar solos and furious drums. Second, Bob Rock is out as producer and in steps Rick Rubin. This change is critical to Metallica rediscovering their thrash ways because Bob Rock is responsible for producing all Metallica albums since 1990 when the band initially strayed from metal. Death Magnetic solves these two problems that plagued St. Anger and restores some of that vintage Metallica sound. However, it’s basically just the sound that returns. The lyrics don’t hold up compared to Master or Puppets or Ride the Lightning. Death Magnetic is a good sign for Metallica and a step in the right direction, but they still have some work to do before returning to the status of metal gods.

A faint heartbeat begins the album as “That was Just Your Life” ticks into action. A morbid guitar intro and then the pounding rhythm section follow the heartbeat. It creates the image of a person near death, lying on a cold medical table, being shocked back to life by doctors. Once alive, the person erupts in anger and vengeance. “That was Just Your Life” leaps out of the speakers and attacks the listener like a Metallica song should. Kirk Hammett plays fantastically and keeps this song chugging along. He adds a new guitar riff or solo at the perfect time to ensure this 7:08 long song doesn’t become monotonous. “That was Just Your Life” could have easily been included on …And Justice for All.

The other shining beacon of awesomeness is “Broken, Beat, & Scarred.” With lyrics like, “Rise, fall, down, rise again” this could perhaps be a response to the hated St. Anger. Regardless of why it was inspired, “Broken, Beat, & Scarred” has all the elements to make it a fan favorite. James Hetfield belts out the lyrics with immense energy. To accompany this energy, Kirk shreds out the best riff I’ve heard him play since “Master of Puppets”, and the timing Lars has is remarkable. It may seem trivial to discuss timing but that is what separates the good drummers from the best drummers. You have to know when to drum and when not to (John Bonham did not understand this). Lars comes crashing in at the perfect times to simulate a person being pummeled and backs off when James sings of redemption.

Unfortunately, after these two songs the album slips into mediocrity. “The End of the Line”, “All Nightmare Long”, “Unforgiven III”, “The Judas Kiss”, “Cyanide”, “Suicide and Redemption”, and “My Apocalypse” all suffer from the same problem. On average, these seven songs run 7:40 long. This wouldn’t be a bad thing if halfway through these tracks didn’t become tedious and boring but they do. It becomes easy to tune them out and lose interest. Each song repeats the same guitar riff and drum rhythm in a near continuous loop. James also seems disinterested in singing these songs. His powerful voice is toned down from the roaring “Broken, Beat, & Scarred” (with an exception being “All Nightmare Long”). Not bad songs by any means; they are just too long.

The good and bad have been discussed, now comes the ugly. The biggest downfall on Death Magnetic has to be “The Day that Never Comes”. Just when you thought Metallica remembered how to rock they play this song. It starts off painstakingly slow for just finishing “Broken, Beat, & Scarred”. On the plus side, things finally pick up about seven minutes into the song. However, that is countered by poor production. Lars drumming becomes too loud and sounds distorted. Luckily, the song ends in another forty-five seconds and you don’t have to deal with all that racket. This distortion can also be heard on “The Judas Kiss” and “My Apocalypse”. It’s a shame that what could be crystal clear rock turns into an annoyance.

Death Magnetic is leaps and bounds better than St. Anger. Fans of Metallica will be happy that the band has shifted towards a more metal sound. Don’t rejoice too soon though. They still have a far way to go before they are the thrash metal gods from the 1980’s. As a fan of old school Metallica I am glad I purchased Death Magnetic. “Broken, Beat, & Scarred” and “That was Just Your Life” are a worthy addition to Metallica’s catalog and should be added by fans of anything pre-Metallica.

Harvey Birdman is one of those games that’s essentially made for a cult audience. I mean, it’s an Adult Swim game based on a 15 minute cartoon where an old, obscure 1960’s Hannah Barbara character is modernized as a current day lawyer and injected with rapid-fire, absurdist humor that connects with some and misses with others. And making a game out of it that really is just an easy, strange, hacked together Phoenix Wright game kind of limits its appeal. Luckily, I like Harvey Birdman and Phoenix Wright. I fit the mold here! Woo! (more…)