Halloween’s Old and New
By Jonathan Dao Wednesday, 31 Oct 2007

We all know Halloween’s all about tradition, but we also know that tradition can sometimes be bad. Like dying, for instance. No one seems to want to break away from that custom. I’m not trying so much to remove the elements that make this holiday classic, but give some insight on some of the newer things kids try out these days as well as offer my take on the best solutions.

Old School: Bobbing for apples
Recent Development: Wasting eggs on cars
Best Alternative: Being buried in a tub full of M&Ms and eating your way out

Old School: Black licorice
Recent Development: Harry Potter Jelly Beans
Best Alternative: McDonald’s limited time only Pumpkin Pies, $1 for two!

Old School: Gazing into mirrors trying to conjure up Bloody Mary
Recent Development: Finding out Mary has a “bloody”
Best Alternative: Drinking a Bloody Mary

Old School: Watching Horror Films
Recent Development: Watching any of the Saw flicks
Best Alternative: Watching crappy Sci-fi Channel movies like the one where scientists genetically mutate sharks so they can walk on land and eat Vietnamese [people]

Old School: Gonorrhea from a witch
Recent Development: Syphilis from a Borat
Best Alternative: Abstaining from a Davy Jones despite your avid tentacle fantasies

Side note: I am Vietnamese

3 Responses to “Halloween’s Old and New”

  1. Nick Woodside Says:

    Question: How attractive is said Gonorrhea infested witch? In my opinion it’s not worth if it we’re talking the Wicked Witch of the West but I might be willing to roll my dick dice with Glenda. The Old School is so damn ambiguous.

    EDIT: She was born in 1885 and has been dead for 37 years. Never mind. I should probably do my research before I open my “hilarious” mouth.

  2. Jonathan Dao Says:

    Yeah, I guess I shoulda been a lil more clear. After all, Dumbledore qualifies for both Old School AND Recent Development now.

    But yeah, you don’t get much more old school than the Wicked Witch herself, word… unless you count Joan Rivers… zing!

  3. Zach Patterson Says:

    i’ve been in need of a seriously awful sci-fi movie lately. the one you described sounds awesome.

    also, how do you feel about substituting Skittles in for M&M’s? me personally, i think i would fair a much better chance of surviving with Skittles.

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