Hope to Celebrate Halloween. (I <3 Red Soxes.)
By Nick Woodside Sunday, 28 Oct 2007

So yeah it’s October. What does that mean? Well if you’re an old man like me (and I am sure you are not) it’s time to be bitter about Halloween. It’s also time to get drunk on a box of cheap wine because not only are you old but you are also broke as shit. But seriously, $12.99 for 3 bottles of wine!? Where I come from that’s not called dependency, that’s called a bargain. I don’t need to spend my hard earned money on bottles and labels. Put all that booze in a tidy box and I will buy it and I will drink it. Bank on it because I got nothing to lose. Where was I? Oh right, Halloween. I’ve never been a big Halloween fan. The only memories I have of childhood Halloween is the disappointment of a Walgreen’s Pac-Man costume (Fucking plastic Pac-Mac Mask and a smock. Nice work!) and the cold burning hatred of Butterfingers. I wish I had butterfingers every time I was handed one of those Butterfingers so I dropped that gross shit into the sewer, amirite!!?!?! Anyway, me and Halloween aren’t friends. A huge problem is that even with my “valuable” art degree, I’m uncreative when it comes to costumes. Probably the best costume I ever had was a couple years ago when I dressed up as present day Luigi. It was pretty good because I was fat at the time and had access to leisurewear. A+. Anyway, what does my past have to do with this Halloween? Well I have no clue. I sort of got my own blog for a minute there. How about a review of treats you can give out this year? That’s what I set out to do. So here we go.

SweetTarts and Nerds – This is the Miller High Life of candy. I wish they could combine these two treats into one huge super candy. Just shoot them into the sun so they all melt together and I can eat them in a tortilla. Tortillas rule especially if you made them out of chocolate and wrapped up it around magic candy made in the sun. Nerds put two flavors in one box. They are totally looking out for you dude, so relax and get on the horn to NASA. Let’s make this happen.

Butterfingers – I know I am going against the popular opinion because everyone loves that goddamned Bart Simpson, but Butterfingers suck. What is the appeal? They are fucking awful. Butter chocolate? In theory it’s a great idea. Butter is awesome. So is chocolate. When you combine them is where you go wrong. Blah. I will trade these for the proverbial razor filled apple without even thinking twice.

Booze filled chocolates – Oh man these are delicious. And I know for a FACT that alcohol makes you cool. Do you want to be the guy giving out the toothbrushes or the guy giving out buzzes? That’s what I thought. It’s like a “Get Out of Egg Free” pass. If you’re a kid with a dozen eggs are you egging the guy who gives you alcohol on Halloween? Nope. For a lazy man like me, this is all I care about on this damn holiday. Egg is not easy to get out. Ask my parents.

Full Sized-Candy Bars – Well la deed dah fancy pants. Nothing says I’m overcompensating for the empty hole in my life like full sized candy bars. It’s the Porsche of Halloween candy. Just give out small cards that say “My dick/vagina is small.”

Gummy Crabby Patties – SPONGEBOB OMFG!!!! These things taste like shoelaces. My wife and I got these one year and mixed them in with the other, more delicious treats. Wow, you should have seen the look of disappointment on those kids faces when they lost the Halloween Lottery. I might as well have asked them to perform a trick for me. RHETORICAL QUESTION, ASSHOLE! GIVE ME THAT CANDY!

Little Bits of Pornography Clipped from Magazines – Jackpot! This is probably the best thing you could give out on Halloween. There is no question about it. The key is to clip only the saucy bits like the boobies and the basement bits. What I do is to wrap them around the booze filled chocolates. Then I explain to the police that it was an honest mistake.

Fake beards – Doncha wish your boyfriend was Nick Wood-side? Doncha, doncha.

Self-help tapes – This is the thinking man’s Halloween treat. If there is one thing the fatties dressed up like Captain Planet need is a little help. Okay, fair enough a ton of help. Tony Robbins may be a shitty Halloween costume but he’s a goddamned life changer. Give these out and you’ll be sleeping easy just like me.

Peanut Butter Cups – Holy shit. I want to love these candies slow and tender. I don’t even know what more to say about these things. I mean if you’ve ever tasted them you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t…well why hasn’t the government talked to you? Here’s a great question: If the peanut butter in Peanut Butter Cups was put on bread would you think it’s the worst peanut butter ever? It probably would be but combined with chocolate it’s incredible. Let’s face it: Peanut Butter Cups are magic.

Jelly Belly Jelly Beans – These are so good! I have no jokes about these things. I can mix three beans and make key lime pie! I can mix two beans and have a daiquiri. Amazing! They have a vomit bean for cripessakes! They can do anything and you should be lucky get such a gift! I love the shit out of jelly beans.

So yeah that’s how I win Halloween. If you want to follow my lead and be a local hero by my guest. Send $5 in royalties asap and it’s a happy Halloween all around. Especially for me because I just finished my box of wine. God I love the World Series.

4 Responses to “Hope to Celebrate Halloween. (I <3 Red Soxes.)”

  1. Nick Woodside Says:

    That’s me and my kid from earlier today. I am wearing a Sox hat and I am super happy right now.

  2. Andrew Raub Says:

    Incredible article. I don’t particularly share your sentiments about Butterfingers, but I can let that slide.

    Porno clippings, fake beards, and booze filled chocolates would fill 3 holes in my life.

  3. Zach Patterson Says:

    nick, you continually one up yourself.

    bravo.

    and yes, jellybelly’s fucking rule.

  4. Jonathan Dao Says:

    Boo Sweetarts and Nerds! I remember my mom thought chocolate contributed to my acne, so for awhile I had to stick to that crap… bleh

    In other news, peanut butter cups ARE magical

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