100 Little Calories of Disappointment.
By Nick Woodside Thursday, 11 Oct 2007

You sons of bitches. Why do you do this to me? Look, I like food and booze alright? I’m also a goddamned American which means I like my portions like my purchases: cheap and Louisianan. Besides, recommended portions sizes are just that: recommendations. As much as Mexico wants to say that you should only have 2 tacos at a meal, they’re just covering their own ass. I’m having 7 and they have a problem with that they can take it up with my attorney, shown here:

Guilty, bitch.

Imagine that the woman represents the country of Mexico and the wallet represents…well the wallet just means money. Then again, maybe he’s stealing it from her purse while she gives her heartfelt testimony because that’s just how we roll. Either way shut up about my taco consumption and we won’t have to take you to the cleaners. Here’s a better way to put it, i.e. one that actually makes sense. When I recommend something on this site do you take what I say as a rule and buy the product I’m talking about? Of course not. You probably just skim what I wrote, yawn, and then go back to listening to your goddamned Girl Talk records. Well listen up assholes: I had to go on a diet because your damn portion sizes don’t fill me up. I tried to play it off as sympathy baby weight but once your kid hits a year old it’s time to stop going to that well. Damn thing is bone dry. Here’s a little thing I discovered during this whole diet thing though: 100-calorie packages of snacks are a complete and utter joke.

I have a question for Nabisco/Sunshine, you fattist hate mongers: How often do you masturbate to the image of overweight Americans depressed by your blatant cock blocking? 10 times a day? 20? Let’s check your Daytimer: just as I thought: “2:00-2:16 – Jack off while thinking about fat tears.” How do you live with yourselves? Honestly, I wasn’t fat by any stretch of the imagination. I was 30 pounds or so overweight but even I was DISGUSTED by these little packages of insults. I was snookered by you on three separate occasions but I’m not going to take it anymore. I’m going to blow the lid off this whole damn thing right here and now on this incredibly popular website.

100-Calorie Cheez-its.

Cheese flavored hate bits.
Cheese flavored hate bits.

This was my first exposure to their web of deception. Normally at lunch I would eat an estimated four-five potatoes worth of chips. I figured “Hey, at least I’m not eating two sandwiches anymore!” Good thinking. Rock solid logic there. Anyway I figured the best way to cut down on the number of chips I ate was to get them in smaller bags because in my world lazy > hunger. “Perfect!” I thought. “Not only will I not eat too much, but these are apparently healthy for you than regular Cheez-its.” YEAH APPARENTLY NOT! You know how they reduce the calories in these packages? What’s that? Reduce the amount of processing? No. Use less chemicals? Hooboy, you wish. Put exactly 4 crackers in each package and then fill it with air so you get your hopes up that you’re going to get enough to actually make a dent in the hunger ravaging your dieting stomach, but when you open the package up and dump out it’s contents and there’s so few that your sandwich dies of loneliness!? DING DING DING DING DING! If you left this number of crackers in the bottom of a full-size box of Cheez-its, then put it back on the shelf you’re a dick. Grade: F

100-Calorie Baked Wheat-Thins Toasted Chips

Baked and toasted?  Fuck off, hippie burn-out.
Baked and toasted? Snacks for a burnt-out hippie.

Okay first off how long does that name need to be? Cut that down to the bare minimum please. Sad Chips. That’s better. After suffering through a week of Cheez-its I was determined to get a little bit more bang for my buck. I figured these would be better, since they sound healthier than Cheez-its. They are also baked and toasted for some reason. That probably cooks off some fat or some shit I guess. So let’s go. Crank it up. After apologizing profusely to my turkey sandwich for the previous week’s utter disaster, I crossed my fingers and tore open the package. What. The. Fuck. Honestly, I think there are less of these baked toasted whole wheat diet cherry vanilla Pepsi chips than there were Cheez-its. How is that even possible!?! Cheez-its are not healthy but there are more of them in 100 calories? Have I inadvertently discovered the truth that just because something is baked it is not healthy? How many lies do you have Nabisco? Quite a few you say? Noted. Well take this: A NICE FAT F. Choke on that meal of justice. Portion size: Hufuckingmongous.

100-Calorie Baked Cheetos

Chester Cheetah!  You old devil!
Chester Cheetah! You old devil!

Honestly by this time I gave up. Fuck it. If you’re only going to get a tiny bit of something it might as well taste “good”, right? I also had a coupon for 50 cents off which, as the housewives reading this right now know, is a good fucking deal. Well here’s the rub: These packets easily contained the most product. What the hell is going on here? The worse something is for you the more you get? How does that even make sense? I don’t know and honestly I don’t think I care anymore. I was just happy to have more than 3 chips next to my sandwich. Maybe the hunger I experienced had sapped all my energy. Grade: D. Meh, it could have been worse.

So there you have it. Fuck 100-Calorie Packs. It’s all a scam. The worse the product is for you the more you get? Bullshit. They give you so few in the hopes that you’ll get frustrated and say “Goddammit this sucks! Give the regular stuff!” Then you’re out buying even more of their products on top of what you already spent buying their little “healthy” tease. Seriously, the cookies in a 100-Calorie bag of Oreos are the size of a chocolate chip. Even John Moschitta Jr. thinks they’re too damn small. If you’re trying to cut down on calories look for something else. The depression isn’t worth it.

5 Responses to “100 Little Calories of Disappointment.”

  1. jer Says:

    Great review. I’ve been fooled into buying these in the past. I’ve since switched to Baked Lay’s as a delicious and somewhat healthier alternative to regular chips.

  2. Andrew Raub Says:

    Genius. I second Jer’s comment. I need to start eating them with my lunch instead of Lance crackers.

    Shums, you just need to get the right lunch together, methinks. A sandwich (turkey or ham, no mayo), a pack of crackers, yogurt, and an apple is plenty to fill you up, especially since it’s giving you long lasting real food energy and not fake junk food energy.

  3. Nick Woodside Says:

    I have discovered Lesser Evil potato crisps and they rule. I usually have a bit of fruit (who doesn’t Heeeeey!) but I like it in the afternoon (again, who doesn’t hey, etc.). Once I get down to my goal weight and I add food to my daily intake I think your yogurt idea’s got some legs.

    I still got a couple of 100-calorie packs in my desk. I might piss on them.

  4. Zach Patterson Says:

    man, the ritz snack mix ones are the worst. like 3 pretzels and a ritz cracker. enjoy fatty!

    i still have one pack left at home. i dont even know why i bother.

    i should just go back to my stomach ravaging olean chips.

  5. Brian Hohman Says:

    Haven’t you guys seen the TV ads for these snack packs. They focus their creative juices on women, which means the product is probably a bust(and it is), and they double up words like Baked, and Toasted so you think is 2x the health(whatever the hell that means). I say just buy whatever you like to eat, 7 Tacos Nick. The only “healthy” chips I like really are sun chips, and baked lays but I end up eating more of them in the end. So here is to eating plain old Cheez-Its!

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