|By Zach Patterson||Friday, 14 Aug 2009|
1968 Tunnel Rats is the latest release from genius filmmaker Uwe Boll, the mastermind behind such past gems as Postal and In The Name Of The King. As has become customary for any new Boll release, we held a Bollfest to celebrate. This time, we packed up on the 40′s and assorted beers and began the film festival. The films included this time were 1968 Tunnel Rats, Sleepaway Camp, Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers, Dragonball Evolution, and Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. Below are Good-Evil thoughts in a convenient +/- format, from those who experienced them.
By Andrew Raub
+ Chinkey-eyed mother fuckers
- Chinkey-eyed mother fuckers
Comments: If you can tell me what the meaning of this movie is, be my guest. The best I can surmise is that Boll wanted to make some sort of commentary about the US involvement in Vietnam. Mostly that we were idiots. But not in a grand-scheme-of-things type way. It’s much more personal than that. We get deep insight into the hopes and dreams of a few brave American soldiers, and watch them get ripped away by the cruel and merciless “chinkey-eyed mother fuckers” who only live in underground tunnels. There’s a message here somewhere, probably along the lines of “Uwe Boll is not so subtle in his anti-American escapades and his racism.”
+ Amazing ending
+ Kids swearing
- Not enough gruesomeness
Comments: This would really be an amazing movie if there were more brutal deaths. But unfortunately each death is quick and mysterious. The ending, however, is a wild surprise, which is amazing because the whole time you will see it coming and still not predict it all.
+ Party hats
+ More kids swearing
+ Gruesomer deaths
- Still not as gruesome as I’d like
Comments: Definitely better than the first for various reasons. It’s a little self-mocking at times, like it knows it’s a cheesy 80′s slasher flick. But there are gratuitous boob scenes and plenty of funny deaths.
+ It had dragonballs
+ Ernie Hudson in blackface
+ Doomed from conception
+ Obviously left room for a sequel
- Missing a lot of good characters
- Goku didn’t have a tail
- Possibly grossed enough to actually make the sequel
Comments: By the time we got to this movie, the 40 of Colt 45 and Old Chub were wearing off. I was by no means drunk, yet I still barely remember this movie. I watched a lot of Dragonball and even own some Dragonball manga. I couldn’t for the life of me tell you the details of this movie other than Goku and Bulma and Chow Yun-Fat try to get dragonballs and Piccolo is the bad guy.
+ Contains a surprising amount of authentic Chun-Li moves
+ Nash instead of Charlie for total Japano authenticity
+ ooooOOOOOUUUGH BALROG
+ DVD extra comparing original characters and their movie representations
- Nash doesn’t charge for 2 seconds
- No psycho crushers
Comments: Much to my surprise, this movie wasn’t totally awful. There was a lot of completely unauthentic stuff in it, but there were subtle moments that truly did pay homage. It had a skeleton crew of Street Fighter characters, and no rousing speech by Guile like at the end of Street Fighter: The Movie, but it was entertaining and had some nice fight scenes. I think they stuck to the Alpha story line fairly well, but I never really followed that storyline or understood it much, so I could be wrong.
By Mike Callahan
+ Rats were indeed in the film, as were tunnels
+ Stirring side-story of a man and his capitalistic dreams to open a burger stand
- Nowhere near the 1,968 tunnel rats promised in the opening sequence – more like less than 10
- Man died in shame to friendly fire napalm bombing, and never did become the manager of his local McDonald’s upon returning to USA
Comments: A terrible, horrible, no good very bad movie. The laughs were few and far between. Probably on the same shameful level as Seed.
Deaths upon deaths
+ Man/girl/crossdressing/transvestite confusion (Rocky Horror Picture Show Part Deux Jr.)
+ Amazing surprise ending that I honestly did not expect
- Needed more naked, fresh breasts
Comments: As usual at Bollfest, most of the secondary movies were better than the Boll feature and this was no exception. A pretty good B horror movie on all accounts.
+ Instantly addressed the lack of breasts in the first movie and delivered them in spades
+ Some relative of Bruce Springsteen’s played the main character, who was attractive in a bizarre, huge eyed manner
- Killings/deaths were very unsubtle and odd
Comments: 1000% more breasts than the first movie, always a good thing. However the plot was as stale as amateur flan and the death sequences were lame and trite.
Comments: Worst action/adventure movie I’ve seen in five years.
+ Chun-Li was pretty sexy
- However she was not accurately casted; needed bigger legs, more Asian, sexier clothes
- Terrible plot, barely any Street Fighter special moves (except for Chun-Li’s spinning bird kick)
Comments: Unbelievably, there is now a Street Fighter movie worse than Street Fighter: The Movie.
By Jeremy Stoltzfus
+ Accurate depiction of Vietnam tunnel combat.
Comment: THE KIDS ARE DEAD. STOP DIGGING AND USE THE LAST PRECIOUS MOMENTS OF YOUR LIFE TO BANG THE GORGEOUS VIETCONG BROAD.
+ Pyscho crazy-face penis surprise ending.
- No boobs.
Comments: The wardrobe choices in this movie were top notch.
- Lack of psycho crazy-face penis surprise ending.
Comments: Boobs. Finally, some boobs.
- Are you sure this is a Dragonball movie?
Comments: I was too busy wearing a wolf mask and getting drunk off of Colt 45 and Fiddler’s Elbow to really give this a thorough watchin’. Although, I do remember a lot of poor casting choices and constantly insisting the female characters undress. Alas, no boobs.
Comments: Whatever. Let’s go get some Dunkin’ Donuts.
By Jason Stoltzfus
+ I can always forgive Uwe, because without him, there would be no “Bollfest”. If he actually made a good movie, it just wouldn’t be the same.
- Fucking awful movie
- Elaborate gore seemed out of place.
+ High socks and short shorts are amusing
+ Twist ending that I didn’t see coming
- Was all acting in the eighties that bad? Or is this just a bad movie?
- Awkward penis scene with no boob scenes to compensate
+ Lots of boob scenes and no awkward penis scene
- Nothing like the first movie … no mystery or anything to figure out.
- Everyone slept through the ending.
+ I used to watch a fair amount of dragon ball Z, but not enough to pick out inconsistencies … so it was just fun to remember all the characters as they appeared
Comment: I was getting a little drunk at this point and had just woken up from a “Sleepaway Camp 2″ induced coma.
+ The chick was really really hot and also plays Fiona in Eurotrip … who’s a dirty slut.
- Not as cool if you never played Alpha and thus don’t know who the characters
Comment: I could take or leave this movie. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad. Pretty mediocre I’d say. I also missed the ending.
By Chuck Goodrich
+ It was nice not having any attachment to the characters. When they died it made me care less than I normally would.
- There was a severe lack of napalm.
+ Camps were tough in the 80s. Campers were not sent home after a murder.
+ hair curlers can be weapons
+ interesting twist for an ending, however, it didn’t add anything to the plot.
+ cop mustache
- Teenage campers getting naked and being stalked by pedophiles was creepy and awkward to watch
+ Walter Gotell plays “Uncle John”. This man was in The African Queen, Guns of Navarone, and the Boys from Brazil… Why is he in this movie!?
+ One person lives because she requests to go home. Everyone else dies.
+ Pam Springsteen!!
- The slut camper asking if a guy has AIDS immediately after having sex with him
- What camp allows a former mental patient to be a camp councilor?
- horrible acting
By Ryan Cetera
+ opening credits lasted 30min
+ heavy philosophical convos to chew on for days
+ exploding neck hanging
+ US camp got attacked for 60 min. even though the US troops were all dead after 5
- no boobies
- opening song choice was amateurish
Comment: this movie was ridiculous the entire way. but in more of a painful way, rather than epic. still, i laughed the whole time because i sat next to chris derosa.
The rest, in brief:
- no boobs
- had boobs, but it jaded me to them
So in the end, we’ve learned that Uwe Boll still loves killing Americans, and that improvised dialogue is truly the way he should be going with all his films. So insightful! We’ve learned that a movie intro can never be too long or too disjointed. And we’ve learned that the easiest way to solve a problem in tunnels in Vietnam is to just send all your soldiers in one after another until they are all dead.
We’ve also learned that penis surprise endings make any 80′s horror movie better, and that shameless breasts are always welcome, not to mention a vital cog to penis-less sequels. We’ve learned that a live action Dragon Ball movie was, surprisingly, not a great idea. And finally, we’ve learned that watching a generic, made-for-tv quality Street Fighter movie is less interesting than walking to Dunkin Donuts to shake off a hangover. I think I speak for everyone when I say that the final score is Wolf Mask Jeremy.