|By Timothy Falk||Friday, 26 Dec 2008|
In a post-apocalyptic future, one king holds 8 jewels with magical spy phone powers. In the wrong hands, these http://spyappforcellphone.com/ jewels could destroy the world. So guess what? Yeah, the King’s 8 trusted advisors kill him and take the jewels. Now you must get them back and place them on the Altar of Peace, so that the King may return and restore the world. This game sucks. I’m just gonna throw that out there right now. But let me tell you why it sucks. Where to begin…well let’s start with the most important part of any game, gameplay. It sucks. You play some idiot running around in fuchsia pajamas with a bird, I think maybe a hawk, on his shoulder. You can use the hawk, I guess his name is Cutrus, to attack, which is very cumbersome, or you can use your sword. Oh yeah, I forget to tell you, your sword is about as long as
a 12 year old’s joh your head. And every single enemy has a longer sword and smaller hit box than you do. And they’re faster than you. And they phone tracker gps spy apk continuously respawn. That’s all to say nothing of the bosses. Bosses are frustrating snore fests. Here is the basic strategy for boss fights in 8 Eyes: Get on about the bosses level, buy online essay launch Cutrus into the air, camp on a conveniently placed platform above where the boss meanders around, dive bomb with Cutrus until either the boss or Cutrus is dead. If Cutrus dies, you’re screwed, because there is no way to do any good amount of damage without him, because the bosses phone spy will destroy you if you try to engage in hand-to-hand combat. Control is shoddy, at best, sucks, at worst, and your pajama hero feels so stiff, you can almost feel the desperation for a chiropractor. It’s not much better when you launch the bird in the air. See, you really need the bird. He is important. But you can’t really control him while he is in the air. He flies in a bobbing pattern from one side of the screen to the other, never trying to avoid cell phone spy by number enemies. He flies right into them, taking damage the entire time. So here, you need this bird. You have to use him sometimes, but the enemies keep respawning and running into him before he can get anything done and you fear for his safety but still try to use him and he ends up dying, and you’re screwed. Have fun with the reset button, Mikey! Seriously, imagine playing Gauntlet in the arcades, but only starting with 3 health. And there is no food in sight. You can’t do anything in 8 Eyes. You move and you die. You don’t move and you die. It’s all a bunch of bullcrap. The graphics look kind of like Castlevania puked after waking up from an all night kegger next to Lena Hyena. The only good part of the game is the sound, really. That’s a stretch, I guess. The sound is ok, but it’s nothing to write home about. But it is the only part of the game that doesn’t completely suck. The level music sounds authentic as pertains to where in the world the level is supposed to be. Get this: When you finally do complete all of the levels, you have to then take all of the jewels and put them in the correct order! That’s right. You go through the hell that is 8 Eyes, beat all the levels, get to the end and if you screw the placement of the jewels up even slightly, college essay online cheap college essay online you lose. GAME OVER Start again, you sad sack. Also, this game was released in Japan on the day I was born. As the world was blessed in the West, the world was cursed in the East. Sorry about that, everyone.