Girl Talk – Night Ripper
By Nick Woodside Thursday, 27 Sep 2007

Okay, what the fuck? What is the big deal about Girl Talk? All the indie press/blogs are all over this guy. Hell, even the hippies are getting into him thanks to his stint opening for Widespread Panic. I’ll give the dude credit, finding all those samples and plugging them in so they mesh is impressive and definitely takes a lot of work. Then again, just because you bust your ass on something doesn’t automatically make it good. If I had to guess I’d say some of his popularity stems from the exploitation of music guilt. Apparently people still believe that liking any pop songs reduces your scene points or some bullshit. Like my friend Ben said “Dudes who would make fun of Kelly Clarkson are at a Girl Talk show singing every word.” It’s retarded. Just because 4 pop songs are chopped up and mashed together doesn’t really change things. The base of what you’re listening to is still that same taboo pop sound, it’s just been made 10 times more annoying. This whole mash-up concept bugs me. Doesn’t it all just boil down to the same thing that got Puffy untold amounts of shit for in the 90’s?

I really want this to review to just be “This album sucks.” but that’s too easy. Track by track I guess:

Once Again – The Ludacris/Boston bit that opens the album isn’t too bad I will admit. It’s all downhill from there though. “Wait ’til you see my dick’s bittersweet symphony” would be an awesome title for this part. I guarantee that some jackoff who’s railed against the misogyny of “The Whisper Song” has danced his/her ass off to this song. Good work, hypocrite. One thing he does throughout the album is put a little snip of one song as a transition from one bit to the next and it drives me crazy. He does it here by dropping the line “I am still thirsty” from Arrested Development’s “Tennesee” in the middle of this track. Wow you have a copy of that!? Sweet! I used to but I sold my copy at a yard sale over the weekend. The point of it being in this song is…?

That’s My DJ – Completely uninteresting. It sounds like someone flipping through a radio while driving only slightly more cohesive. I would like it noted that 1:40 into this song is the first time I said to myself “This review might be a bad idea.” OH PAULA ABDULA’S STRAIGHT-UP! THAT SONG IS AWESO…oh we’ve moved onto to James Taylor.

Hold Up – Seriously, James Taylor’s “Your Smiling Face” over crushed up bits of club hits. “Die motherfucker die” Puffy says to me. “That’s not a bad idea, buddy” I respond. Actually this little bit of Nas’ “Hate Me Now” isn’t too bad…oh nevermind. Laffy Taffy over a sped up bit of the Strokes has killed off the tiny part of me that was just previously enjoying the sound coming out of my headphones. This is the most annoying sound I have ever heard. They should make alarms out of this bullshit. Seriously, a Peanut Butter Jelly Time sample? Jesus fucking Christ.

Too Deep – Okay, so you looped “California” by Phantom Planet and put some Clipse lyrics over it. This is the perfect example of taking a song indie snobs wouldn’t be caught dead listening to and making them feel okay about themselves. “Oh he took that OC song and put raps over it! Isn’t that clever!?” No it isn’t. It’s fucking retarded.

Smash Your Head – I admittedly zoned out for a minute while he went off on a “Rick Rubin Remix” thing for the first half of this song. Remember the Rick Rubin remixes of hip-hop songs? Those were great. Anyway, I would like it noted that at the 1:25 mark I got actually angry at this goddamn album. Flipping back and forth between the awesome (Pharcyde’s “Passing Me By”) and the schockly (Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer”) while Biggie raps is mind bottling.

Minute by Minute – Why do the Ying Yang Twins exist? They are terrible. Oh look! A Neutral Milk Hotel sample! This little remix of The Game’s “Love It or Hate It” is meh, but I don’t necessarily think that’s his fault. The original is so tight that you’d really eclipse it to make any sort of impact. I’m going to go listen to it now so I don’t accidentally shit all over myself.

Seriously that is a good song. Go listen to the original.

Ask About Me – Enh, I can kind of get into this first part. Who doesn’t like PM Dawn? Oh everyone? Sorry. Dear Cassidy: Are you a hustler? Okay good, just checking. I thought I was clear on that point, but Girl Talk speeding it up and repeating it even more than you did really nails it home for me. If you see him on the block be sure to thank him for me. Love, Nick. Oh look Digable Planets! I listened to “Cool Like That” every day while I got ready to go to middle school. Fun Fact: it did not make me “cool like that”. More “creepy and asexual like that”. Too bad that doesn’t flow as well. Could have been a hot remix.

Summer Smoke – Even you can’t fuck up Amerie’s “1 Thing”. It’s good to know some songs are unbreakable. Wow. The chorus from Kayne’s “Golddigger” sped up over Pilot’s “Magic”. That don’t make a lick of sense!

Friday Night – Whoa! Hold up, I think we might have one full song that’s not terrible! We’re almost halfway through and it doesn’t suck! Can he do it? Can he give me a listenable three minutes!? We’re at a minute and half! He could do it! The back and forth of Jay-Z’s “I Know What Girls Like” and the Waitresses’ “I Know What Boys Like” is kind of tight…HOLY CRAP Return of the Mack! Okay Gregg Gillis. You have one song I can kind of get into.

Hand Clap – That didn’t last long. Back to ridiculous club songs. I don’t know if it’s bad per se because I know nothing about club music. Maybe Gwen Stefani (who I would assume is a frequenter of clubs) is being honest when she tells me that “this is her shit”. Here’s a question; do I find club music annoying because I can’t dance, or can I not dance because club music is annoying? Have an opinion you’d like to share? Why not write us? Please send your answer plus a S.A.S.E. to the address attached below. You won’t receive anything in return, since I’m going to steam the stamps off and use them myself. I think this album is giving me brain damage.

(I took a break to listen to his “remix” of Grizzly Bear’s “The Knife”. The slight changes you made to Grizzly Bear song is alright, but why lay the Clipse over it? Which song are you remixing? My mind is blown.)

Give and Go – Oh man this part is genuinely good. Then again, you did sample Hall and Oates. That’s the best decision you’ve made all record. I’ve noticed that he samples a lot of songs that I’m sure his audience considers sexist. I wonder if he thinks that by taking them and laying them over his shit buffet makes them acceptable? That thought became too deep for me so I spent the rest of this song wondering how offended Bob Martinez and his wife were at the song “Fuck Martinez” by 2 Live Crew. I would guess “a bit”.

Bounce That – Here’s some of the songs sampled during this 3:23: The Emotions “Best of my Love”, The Breeders “Cannonball”, Elastica, “Connection”, Steve Winwood “Valerie”, Britney Spears “I’m a Slave 2 U”, Pointer Sisters “Jump for My Love”, and Wreckx-N-Effect “Rump Shaker”. Trust me it doesn’t make any more sense listening to it than it does reading it.

Warm It Up – No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. “My Humps”? Seriously? This song cannot be appreciated on any level. This song is what those ten thousand monkeys with the ten thousand typewriters would turn out instead of Shakepeare. Then they would piss in their own mouths. CARRY ON WAYWARD SON!?!? JUST IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS SONG FOR NO REAL UNDERSTANDABLE REASON!?!?! GOD I HATE THIS FUCKING MUSIC SO MUCH!!! It’s like jerking off about your music collection. I would be more entertained if he just held up each record he was sampling. “Remember this one? How about this one? This one’s good too. Hang on, let me stick my penis through this copy of ‘Justify My Love’. Whew, that’s better!”

Double Pump – I got so angry during that last song that I didn’t notice that I paid no attention whatsoever to this song. I went back and the same thing happened again. Well at least it didn’t piss me off. Hat tips, broseph. I am surprised it took you this long to sample Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch though. Your restraint is commendable.

Overtime – “1979” by the Smashing Pumpkins is a pretty good song. Thanks for reminding me. I have just been warned that if I leave my drink around it’s going to get drunk up. I wish someone would leave their drink around me right about now. Hey Fleetwood Mac’s “Little Lies”. I should probably just go LISTEN TO THAT SONG INSTEAD OF THE BITS AND PIECES YOU WEDGED IN HERE WILLY NILLY!

Peakout – Last song. Thank fucking god. Alright, this middle part got a chuckle out of me. 2 Live Crew’s “We Want Some Pussy” and Wings’ “Little Love Songs” going back and forth is pretty funny. The sample of Pavement’s “Cut Your Hair” isn’t too bad either. Let’s see how this whole thing wraps up. Well look at that! Starting at 1:38 he closes the album out with samples from Trillville’s “Neva Eva” over an original Girl Talk song and honestly it’s really good. Here’s an idea: make more original music. This is easily the diamond wedged down deep in this festival of crap.

The album mercifully fades out and ends, albeit on a high note. Ugh. That was an exercise is pain and I’m still not any clearer on why this music exists, much less enjoyed. It’d be easy to just say it’s not for me and be done with it but for some reason I just can’t. I want to figure out the appeal.

Christ, I really should focus my anger on things that matter.


2 Responses to “Girl Talk – Night Ripper”

  1. Andrew Raub Says:

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.

  2. Zach Patterson Says:

    this might be the best review ever.

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